OUR PETS DURING QUARANTINE

DOGS:

Please don’t walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone.

This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel. 

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Day 33 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

CATS: 

Get a human they said. Hardly ever home they said.

Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day now??

The human has been working from day the last few days. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing keep their company together.

Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We’re becoming cats!

One Liner
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen. 

FUNNY COP QUOTES

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“And if you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. Well, I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you ANOTHER ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?”

One Liner
Why worry about tomorrow when there are so many bridges to burn today? 

Two tips for Christmas:

One: Forget the past, you can’t change it

Two: Forget the present, I didn’t get you one

One Liner
Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.” 

CATS’ FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

1. Up on the Mousetop

2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

3. Joy to the Curled

4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

5. The First Meow

6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

7. Silent Mice

8. Fluffy, the Snowman

9. Jingle Balls

10. Wreck the Halls

One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

* Olive, the other reindeer.

* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say 

* Sleep in heavenly peas 

* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown 

* You’ll go down in listerine 

* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay 

* Come, froggy faithful 

* You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

One Liner
What is King Wenceslas’ favorite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp, and even.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: (Part 1)

* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly 

* We three kings of porridge and tar

* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me 

* Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

* He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.

* Noel, noel, noel, noel; Barney’s the king of Israel.

* With the jelly toast proclaim

One Liner
No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them