A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and — noticing her well long, groomed nails — asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

One Liner
Change is good! But dollars are better.

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a few minutes, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”

The plumber grinned, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

One Liner
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Mom: “Don’t let me ever catch you doing that again!”

Kid: “I’ll try, but you’re so quiet sometimes.”

One Liner
Money talks. Chocolate sings.

THE BEST/WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONGS 

~ “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

~ “You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”

~ “I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart”

~ “She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft”

~ “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him”

~ “If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will”

~ “My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart”

~ “They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out”

One Liner
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

~ If you don’t like my cooking, lower your standards.

~ This is a self-cleaning kitchen – you use it, you clean it yourself.

– There are two choices for supper in this kitchen – take it or leave it.

~ Don’t criticize the coffee. You may be old and weak yourself someday.

~ Kitchen closed due to illness…I’m sick of cooking!

“Cleanin’ and dustin’ can wait for tomorrow.
Babies grow up, I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; dust go to sleep
I’m rockin’ my baby and babies don’t keep!”

One Liner
Have you ever noticed that when people say, “To make a long story short …” it’s too late?

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $100, she was outraged.

“I only pay 70 bucks for my own haircut!” she said.

The groomer replied, “That may be true. But then you don’t bite, do you?”

One Liner
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don’t drive any better during the week.