A teenager who had just received her learner’s permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you!”

“Any time,” her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”

One Liner
Ever feel like you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Thought for the day
2 Peter 3:18, “Grow in spiritual strength and become better acquainted with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (TLB).

You grow in spiritual strength by using your money to develop skills and educate yourself, to become a better leader, a better speaker, a better prayer, or just a better person.

A pastor was having an awful time with his congregation and eventually decided to pack it in.

At the close of the next Sunday morning service he announced, “Some years ago Jesus brought me to this congregation. Jesus is now taking me away from it.”

With those remarks he sat down somewhat abruptly and it was left to the organist to announce the closing hymn. “How appropriate,” he commented, “that we sing hymn number 104 – ‘What a friend we have in Jesus.'”

One Liner
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Thought for the day
“Honor the Lord by giving him the first part of all your income” Proverbs 3:9 TLB

That’s called tithing. Tithing actually means 10 percent, and it’s the first part of your income.

Tithing doesn’t just honor God. It is also an act of worship.

A customer called his car-rental company and said he needed a tow. The driver named the highway where he was stranded — but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving.

The representative asked for a more detailed description beyond “a blue four-door.”

After a pause, the driver replied: “It’s the one on fire.”

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner
There will always be death and taxes. The difference is that death doesn’t get worse every year.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 2:10 says, “God . . . has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others” (TLB).

There’s a word for this: ministry. Every Christian is a minister. Not every Christian is a pastor, but every Christian is to be a minister. That means you use your talents and gifts to make a contribution in life, to be a giver, not a taker.

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups – porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

After all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: “If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

“Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it’s just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups…and then began eyeing each other’s cups.

“Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.”

God brews the coffee, not the cups . . . enjoy your coffee.

One Liner
Some of your best memories will come from some of your most foolish decisions.

Thought for the day
”Spend time with the wise and you will become wise, but the friends of fools will suffer” Proverbs 13:20 NCV

Have you ever heard the old phrase, “If you want to soar with the eagles, you can’t run with the turkeys”?  If you’re going to be wise, you’ve got to get some wise people in your life.

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

One Liner
Why is the letter “W” in English pronounced “double-U”? Shouldn’t it be called “double-V”?

Thought for the day
“It is the Lord who gives wisdom; from him come knowledge and understanding” Proverbs 2:6 GNT

You don’t get it from television. You don’t get it from the internet. You don’t get it from magazines. Wisdom comes from God.

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him.

His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”

“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.

“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.

“He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.

“$5,000!!? How can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.

“Hmmm, I don’t know. That’s his problem.”

One Liner
Why waste time reliving the past when you can spend it worrying about the future?

Thought for the day
”A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash” (Proverbs 15:14 NLT).

If you want to become wise, the first thing you have to do is feast on God’s Word every day.