WORD PLAYS
~ A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

One Liner
A lot of church members who are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.

Thought for the day
“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-control” 2 Timothy 1:7

The disciplines you establish today will determine your success tomorrow. The more I accept God’s control over my life, the more self-control he gives me!

Two preachers were on the roadside with a sign that read, “The End is Near – turn around now before it’s too late”. A passing driver yelled “leave us alone you religious nuts”. Then the preachers heard a loud splash. One preacher said to the other, “Do you think we should have just said “Bridge Out”.

One Liner
Be yourself…who else is better qualified?

Thought for the day
Since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe. Hebrews 12:28

Our worship should be filled with awe that the holy God sent His only Son to redeem us and made us to be a holy people unto himself.

Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well. The geese laughed and said “you’re just a frog- you can’t fly!” The frog knew that he didn’t want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought.

“I got an idea!” the frog said. He found a long stick. “You two hold this stick in your claws and I’ll hold on to the middle.”

“With what?” the geese asked. “Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!”

“With my mouth” said the frog, proud of his idea.

So the geese put the stick in there claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully.

A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, “What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?”

The frog proudly exclaimed “I did!”

One LINER
There is no problem a good miracle can’t solve.

Thought for the day
So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 1 Peter 1:14

I can remember my mother saying to me when I was a child “you know better”. It was during those times I learned what was expected of me. Here God is telling us to be obedient – know better – and be holy as he is holy!

Three Day Silence

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

One LINER
“Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses.”

Thought for the day
God is our refuge and strength, 
an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

God has power and authority to help us out of any trouble, anytime or anywhere

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

One Liner
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Thought for the day
“We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” Romans 8:28 NLT

The Bible isn’t saying that every event in your life will be good. You and I both know that’s just not true. But it does mean that when you put your whole life together, every piece of it works together for good.

Last night I was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen: “Oh sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, darling. I think I’ll have chicken.”

She replied, “You’re havin’ a peanut butter sandwich. I was talkin’ to the dog!”

One Liner
If memory serves me right, it would be the first time.

Thought for the day
“[The] Master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:21 NIV

Money is the acid test of your faithfulness. God uses it more than any other thing in your life to test your faith. Why? Because it’s the thing we have the hardest time with.