“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.

“He’s a magician,” said the new boy.

“How exciting. What’s his best trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Yep…one half brother and two half sisters.”

One Liner
My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

Thought for the day
“When you pray and you ask for something, believe that you have received it and you will be given what you asked for” Mark 11:24

Faith is not believing God can do something. Faith is not hoping he will do something. Faith is thanking God in advance.

What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve?

I haven’t seen you for a year!

One Liner
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.

Thought for the day
“It was faith that made Moses leave Egypt without being afraid of the king’s anger. As though he saw the invisible God, he refused to turn back” (Hebrews 11:27 GNT).

The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people are willing to do what unsuccessful people don’t feel like doing. They develop habits. They stay committed. You don’t get to the Olympics because you feel like it. You get to the Olympics by hours and hours of training that you didn’t feel like doing. You don’t become a master musician without hours and hours of rehearsal that you probably didn’t feel like doing all the time.

In the same way, you don’t become a godly man or woman by simply doing what you feel like doing. Godly men and women choose to develop the habits that produce godliness in their lives. It’s not any easier than working out or dieting or rehearsing or anything else that may be good for you but you don’t feel like doing.

What do you cows celebrate on December 31st?

Moo Years Eve.

One Liner
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Thought for the day
“After waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised” (Hebrews 6:15 NIV).

When you’re waiting on God, remember that you’re in good company.

New Year’s Resolutions for Technology Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I “really need” 12 e-mail addresses and 3 twitter accounts.

2. I will stop using facebook as my primary means of communication with my family…

3. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail and text messages.

5. I will stop sending e-mail to my spouse. A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

6. I resolve to back up my hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

8. I will stop checking my e-mail or blogs at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

9. When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply: “LOL… LOL!”

10. I will think of a password other than “password.”

11. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

One Liner
As far as I’m concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question

Thought for the day
“Many of the people scolded him and told him to be quiet. But he shouted even more loudly, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!’ ” (Mark 10:48 GNT).

If you’re going to make a fresh start with faith in your life, you have to face your fears. Don’t let them control you! Fear has an incredible ability to paralyze our potential, to keep us from launching out, to keep us from having faith in our lives.

God is asking you to do something greater than you’ve ever done before: He’s asking you to depend on him completely!!

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.
~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home–eat out more.
~ Don’t have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don’t believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn’t concentrate.

Thought for the day
“Honor the Lord by giving him the first part of all your income, and he will fill your barns with wheat and barley and overflow your wine vats with the finest wines” Proverbs 3:9

When you become a person of faith, you learn to give according to what God tells you to give

AN AFTER-HOLIDAY POEM

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt –
I said to myself, as I only can
‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’

So – away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One Liner
A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Thought for the day
“He didn’t doubt God’s promise out of a lack of faith. Instead, giving honor to God for the promise, he became strong because of faith” Romans 4:20

Without God’s power in your life, you’re just running on your own energy. And that’s like having a laptop that’s unplugged; the battery will eventually drain and all the power will be gone.