All posts by mikeshumor
Humor – November 5
12 Reasons to Buy a New Car
1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
2. Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.
5. Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take “The Club.”
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks “Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?”
7. While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
8. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom vroom” noises while sitting in the driveway.
9. You keep losing dates on left turns.
10. Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
11. Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
12. It hasn’t been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.
One Liner
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Thought for the day
“Stand up for me against world opinion and I’ll stand up for you before my Father in heaven” (Matthew 10:32 MSG).
In a world full of ideas and beliefs that go against God’s Word, God wants you to have an uncommon courage and stand up for what you know is true and right.
Romans 15:7
humor pic of the week
Humor – November 2
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length.”
One Liner
I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.
Thought for the day
“If you are a follower of Christ Jesus . . . all that matters is your faith that makes you love others” Galatians 5:6
If you don’t live a life of love, then nothing you say will matter, nothing you know will matter, nothing you believe will matter, and nothing you give will matter.
Humor – November 1
THINGS THE PROFESSOR SAYS AND WHAT HE REALLY MEANS
Today we’ll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night and didn’t have time to prepare a lecture.)
The gist of what the author is saying is what’s most important.
(I don’t understand the details either.)
The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C)
Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone failed.)
It’s been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)
One Liner
My books all piled on top of me, I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Thought for the day
“Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge” Psalm 62:8b
If you are going through a loss right now, please understand that if you don’t release your grief, it will pour out eventually. Feelings that are pushed down fester, and eventually they explode in a much worse situation.
Humor – October 31
John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer.”
Just then a parking place miraculously appeared!
John looked up again and said, “Never mind. I found one!”
One Liner
You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the handsome prince. But he probably isn’t going to be interested in some frog-kisser.
Thought for the day
“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted” Matthew 5:4
It’s okay to grieve. When people are Christians, we know they will go on to Heaven, so we need not grieve like the world. Our grief can be different. We grieve because we’re going to miss them, but we can also be at peace because we know they are with God.
Humor – October 30
A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing – his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).
Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.
But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it’s up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.
When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.
She replied, “Well, he named our daughter Denise.”
“Hey, that’s not so bad” he says and smiles.
“I know, but he named your son Denephew!”
One Liner
A friend of mine asked me to go to the front of his car to see if his turn signal was working. I did and yelled out, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No…”
Thought for the day
“Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge” Psalm 62:8b
The Bible says when you go through a season of loss, the first thing you need to do is release your grief.
Humor – October 29
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.
The man calls an usher over and whispers, “I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up.
Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, “Follow me.” The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.
“Thanks so much,” says the theatergoer, “This seat is perfect.” He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.”
One Liner
Yeah, I’m a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.
Thought for the day
“Let us love one another, for love comes from God” 1 John 4:7a
More than anything else, kids need unwavering and unconditional love. There needs to be a place where they’re accepted — warts and all.
Psalm 23:6
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