We all know them. How to describe someone who’s…uh…you know…

– A few peas short of a casserole.
– Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
– Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
– Body by Fisher; brains by Mattel.
– Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
– Slinky’s kinked.
– Surfing in Nebraska.
– Too much yardage between the goal posts.
– Big like ox; smart like tractor.
– Room temperature IQ.
– One tire short of a Goodyear.
– Three dots short of an ink-blot test.
– Forgot to use the surge protector.
– The mental agility of a used soap dish.

One Liner
They say, “Wisdom comes with age,” but sometimes age comes alone.

Thought for the day
 “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you”   John 15:7

That’s a beautiful promise. But in Scripture, every promise has a premise. God promises to give us what we ask for — if we have an honest relationship with him.

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

Lizzie, scolded her mother, “Lizzie, that’s not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

One Liner
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Thought for the day
“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it” John 14:13-14

God wants to answer your prayers, but he also wants you to ask in Jesus’ name.

This guy wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”

One Liner
Creditors have better memories than debtors.

Thought for the day
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV).

Radical gratitude means you’re going to walk through life being grateful in every situation, no matter what

One morning a call came in to the school office.

“Hello, please mark William absent today. He’s sick,” said the caller.

“Okay,” said the receptionist.  “May I ask who is speaking?”

“My uncle,” said William.

One Liner
Dain bramaged.

Thought for the day
“God gives rest to his loved ones” (Psalm 127:2b NLT).

Throughout the day, and when you sleep, your heavenly Father watches over you in love. Sleep is God’s gift, andto accept that gift is an act of trust. He restores your body and energy through sleep.

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, “I have good news and bad news. I’ll tell you the good news first. There IS baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news…you’re pitching tomorrow night.”

One Liner
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Thought for the day
“You have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him” (Ephesians 4:21 NLT).

The secret to personal change is not willpower. The secret is to know and face the truth. You must know and face the truth about yourself and your nature if you want to change.

A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time.

They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, “Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?” she asked.

“I don’t rightly know, girl,” the mother replied.

Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out.

The mother leans over to her daughter and says, “Girl, go and get your Pa!”

One Liner
How did a fool and his money GET together?

Thought for the day
“Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace” (Matthew 6:6 The Message).

God isn’t going to speak to you if your life is filled with a bunch of noise. You’ve got to get alone, and you’ve got to get quiet. We call this a quiet time.

A lady lost her purse while shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are 100 $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse and she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

One Liner
How do “Stay off the Grass” signs get there?

Thought for the day
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us — whatever we ask — we know that we have what we asked of him” (1 John 5:14-15 NIV).

Prayer works because God is in control.

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company calling a woman:

“Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”

“No,” I replied.

“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

“I really don’t have any debts,” I said.

“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”

One Liner
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Thought for the day
“Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God — truly righteous and holy” (Ephesians 4:21-24 NLT).

You need more power than just willpower in your life. You need God’s power in your life.