A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

“Is the word spelled ‘put’ or ‘putt’?” she asked the instructor.

“‘Putt’ is correct,” he replied. “‘Put’ means to place a thing where you want it. ‘Putt’ means a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

One Liner
“As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn’t let me play with.”

Thought for the day
Real change comes from the inside out. And when the Bible says “be made new in the attitude of your mind” (Ephesians 4:23 NIV) and “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2 NIV), God is reminding us that every behavior starts with a thought.

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing and his approach speed was a little too high. San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.”

One Liner
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

Thought for the day
“And we … are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:18 (NIV)

God is asking you to believe he is who he says he is, believe you are who he says you are, and then live like you believe those things.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”

“Throw out an anchor, sir.”

“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”

“Throw out another anchor.”

“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”

“From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”

One Liner
“If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.”

Thought for the day
Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” (NIV) We’ve all made decisions that at the time seemed right but later on turned out to be wrong. Some paths lead to dead ends and we end up off track. That’s why we need to admit, “God, I need help.”

Teacher: “Johnny, I asked you to use Roman numerals on your outline.”

Johnny: “But, Teach, my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it!”

One Liner
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

Thought for the day
“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.” Psalm 25:9 (NIV)

The Bible says there are several things we need to do to receive guidance from God, but the very first thing is this: I need to admit I need a guide!

An Auburn University football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

“Yale,” she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

One Liner
Actions speak louder than words, but not as often.

Thought for the day
The essence of Christianity is Matthew 22:37 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

Kindly adult: “How old are you, little man?”

Shy child: (silently holds up 4 fingers)

Kindly adult: “Four years old! And when will you be five?”

Shy child: “When I hold up the other finger.”

One Liner
He who can give thanks for little will always find he has enough.

Thought for the day
The non believer has a mind that opposes God …Romans 8:7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, “How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?”

One student said, “Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time.”

Sternly, the teacher said, “You didn’t read the assignment!”

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher’s desk and showed her where it read, “Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage.”

One Liner
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Deuteronomy 16, “Celebrate with your whole family.” Party down! Have a good time. If you wait until all your problems are gone to start enjoying life, you’ll never enjoy life.