No Nursing Home For Me

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer,etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And – you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?

So . . .

When I reach the Golden age,
I’ll face it with a grin —
Just forward all my email to:
me@Holiday_Inn!

Within a year, our Young Couples Department at church had grown from one class of eight active couples to four classes with 56 active couples!

On Baby Dedication Sunday that year, we had 19 babies! Our Pastor was so excited. He stood in the pulpit that Sunday with 19 babies and their parents facing him. He wanted to brag on these couples and the great job that they had done growing this Young Couples Department. However, here’s what he actually said: “Just look at ALL these babies! Folks, this just goes to show what our young couples have been doing!!!”

The laughter started and continued for several minutes. Every time the pastor tried to say something, the laughter would begin again. Finally, the red-faced pastor added, “For which we are grateful.”

One Liner
Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.

Thought for the day
People who excel maintain a positive attitude. Even under pressure, change, or unrealistic demands, they don’t allow themselves to become negative: “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life” (Philippians 2:14-16a NIV). And remember: “If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit! A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes” (Ecclesiastes 10:4 NLT).

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The new CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy.”

One Liner
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Thought for the day
“Everything, absolutely everything … got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” (Colossians 1:16 MSG)

When you put your trust in Jesus Christ, you learn God’s purpose for your life.

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, “You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing.”
“Thank you,” the visiting preacher replied.
“Yes,” she continued. “You did it in fifteen minutes.”

One LINER
My doctor is an eye, ear, nose, throat and wallet specialist.

Thought for the day
Amos 5:14-15
Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts.

Are you on God’s side? That’s determined more by what we seek and do rather than what we say and believe. God longs to be with us, but he will not sacrifice his character!! He’s looking for believers who put their character where their mouth is!!

An expectant mom let her 4-year-old place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

He asked, “How does the baby get out of there?”

To keep it simple, she just said, “The doctor will help.”

His eyes widened: “You’ve got a doctor in there, too?!”

One Liner
Marriage Advice: A career is a fine thing. But while you’re busy earning your salt, don’t forget to pay attention to your sugar.

Thought for the day
Your work is a test from God. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much … If you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?” (Luke 16:10-12 NIV)

Little Johnny was in kindergarten. There was a another boy in his class who wasn’t listening to the teacher.

The teacher said to the boy, “Since you don’t want to listen, you sit at that table by yourself.”

After a few minutes, Johnny raised his hand and said, “I don’t want to listen either. Can I sit with him?”

One Liner
Marriage Advice: Being married is a lot like living in California … If you find a fault, don’t dwell on it!

Thought for the day
“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” (Ecclesiastes 9:10a NIV)

If you want your work to be blessed by God, the first thing you must do is start working enthusiastically.

DISORDER IN THE COURT

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

One Liner
You can trust God too little, but you can never trust Him too much.

Thought for the day
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God’s promise to believers is that, no matter what happens to us, he is working for our good — if we love him and follow him (Romans 8:28). If you’re a believer, the Bible says all things are working together for good — not that all things are good, but working together for good.

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

One Liner
The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

Thought for the day
“And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us.” (2 Corinthians 1:10 NLT, 2nd edition)

God is watching over you, so don’t listen to your fears. This is a choice. Trust God, and don’t give in to your fears.