A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where did you go???”

The husband calmly replied, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile blushing, said, “Yes, I remember that, my love.”

“Well, I’m at the Home Depot next to that shop.”

One Liner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
If you only love on and off like a light switch, you do not love others like God wants you to love. Jesus said, “If you only love those who love you, what credit is that to you?” (Luke 6:32a NIV)

His point is this: All of us can love those who love us back. Becoming a master lover means you learn to love the unlovable – when you love people who don’t love you, when you love people who irritate you, when you love people who stab you in the back or gossip about you.

RIDDLES FOR GARDENERS

(The answers are names of flowers.)

Answers in tomorrow’s Funny!

1. How might you describe a silent person?

2. Name for a lady who marries for riches.

3. Everyone has these on their face.

4. You might find one of these on a safari.

5. An appropriate gift for a banker.

6. A fastener on a single man’s coat.

7. A country of automobile lovers.

8. Good name for a guy’s biking club.

9. He’s an awfully sugary bill.

10. They’re the dairy best blooms.

11. A peevish fairytale creature.

12. A woman’s nightly footwear.

13. They hate to wait.

14. A fine looking jungle ruler.

15. Cross between a violin and a clarinet.

One Liner
Necessity is the mother of circumvention.

Thought for the day
“Wise people live in wealth and luxury, but stupid people spend their money as fast as they get it.” Proverbs 21:20 (TEV)

If we want God’s blessing on our finances, we must learn to save and invest for the future. We need to save regardless of income because the point is that God is teaching us to be disciplined and wise with our money. He is teaching us to live on less than we make each month so that we can intentionally put away some to save.

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

One Liner
“Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old – squash their toes with your rocker.”

Thought for the day
A servant must always be standing by for duty: “No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier” (2 Timothy 2:4 NASB).

If you only serve when it’s convenient for you, you’re not a real servant. Real servants do what’s needed, even when it’s inconvenient.

Answers to yesterday’s Riddle For Gardeners:

1. Mum

2. Marigold

3. Tulips

4. Tiger Lilies

5. Money Plants

6. Bachelor’s Button

7. Carnation

8. Cyclamen

9. Sweet William

10. Buttercups

11. Snapdragon

12. Lady’s Slipper

13. Impatient

14. Dandelion

15. Violet

One Liner
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Thought for the day
Jesus endured the cross because of his vision — “the joy set before him” (Hebrews 12:2 NIV).

Oswald Chambers says the thing that keeps us going for God, even when everything or everyone around us is tumbling and stumbling, is our vision of God, not our devotion to principles or our devotion to duty.

Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there.

The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The judge then said, “Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next.”

One liner
A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.

Thought for the day
“If you are true and faithful to the Most High, people will resent your unflinching devotion because it is a testimony against their iniquity.” – Charles Spurgeon

A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out…

~ A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.”

~ An objective person walked by and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

~ A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into pits.”

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, “You deserve your pit.”

~ A Christian Scientist observed, “The pit is just in your mind.”

~ A psychologist noted, “Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit.”

~ A self-esteem therapist said, “Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit.”

~ An optimist said, “Things could be worse.”

~ A pessimist claimed, “Things will get worse.”

Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

One Liner
One half of the world doesn’t understand the other half, and it doesn’t matter which half you’re in.

Thought for the day
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” – Zig Ziglar

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

One Liner
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Thought for the day
Shortly before his death, Gandhi wrote, “All about me is darkness; I am praying for light.” Contrast this with evangelist D. L. Moody’s last recorded words: “This is my triumph; this is my coronation day! It is glorious!”

We were singing “I have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Down in my heart to stay.” When the song was over, 5-year old Tommy raised his hand and asked “Why not on Monday?” (Down in my heart Tuesday!)

One Liner
I’ve learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

Thought for the day
“The Eternal Being, who knows everything and who created the whole universe, became not only a man but before that a baby, and before that a fetus inside a woman’s body. If you want to get the hang of it, think how you would like to become a slug or a crab.” – C.S. Lewis