Dewey dragged himself into his doctor’s office one day looking very exhausted. “Doctor,” he said, “there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep!”

“I have good news for you, Dewey,” the doctor said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over.”

“Great,” said Dewey, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

The doctor gave him the pills. Dewey thanked him and left.

Two weeks later, Dewey came back to the doctor’s office looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than ever!” Dewey exclaimed.

“I don’t understand how that could be,” said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered Dewey wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it’s really hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

One Liner
Cupid’s arrows hurt a lot more coming out than they do going in.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 10:22, “The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, without painful toil for it” (NIV).

Profit that is made dishonestly brings trouble with it. Why? If you rip off people, other people are going to rip you off. If you cheat — including the government — you’re going to get cheated in life. What you sow, you will reap.

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom
and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.  “Here, give me the
broom, I’ll show you how.”

One Liner
Speculate: You are three weeks overdue with delivering my new pair of
glasses.

Thought for the day
“There is great gain in godliness combined with contentment; for we brought nothing into the world, so that we can take nothing out of it” (1 Timothy 6:6-7 NRSV).

God is more interested in your character than your comfort. He’s not going to give you things if you haven’t learned the principle of contentment first.

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!” the irate customer yelled after calling the newspaper office.

“Madam,”  said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.”

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, “Well, that explains why no one was at church either.”

One Liner
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Thought for the day
2 Corinthians 9:6-7, “Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver”(NIV).

The principle of sowing and reaping applies to every area of life, not just your finances. Whatever you sow in life, you’re going to reap. Whatever you deposit is going to be returned to you. If you sow criticism in life, you are going to reap criticism from other people. If you sow kindness, you’re going to reap kindness. It’s the law of the harvest. If you plant apple seeds, you don’t get pears; you get apples. If you sow with generosity, you will reap generosity.

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

“Well,” he said, “its three weeks long.”

“What else,” I asked.

“The first week they separate the men from the boys,” he said.

“The second week, they separate the men from the fools.”

“And the third week?” I asked.

“The third week, the fools jump.”

One Liner
I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.

Thought for the day
“A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is arrogant and careless” (Proverbs 14:16 NASB).

It’s common sense that if you don’t want to get stung, stay away from the bees! If you don’t want to get burned, don’t get close to the fire! If you don’t want to fall off the cliff, don’t hang off the ledge!

The goal is not to see how close you can get to temptation but rather how far away from it you can stay.

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, “And how do I smell from here?”

One Liner
I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you’re up there…

Thought for the day
Ephesians 6:17 says, “Accept God’s salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (NCV).

There are two things you need to do in order to handle temptation.
Salvation is the first step: “Accept God’s salvation as your helmet.” What does a helmet do? It protects your head and your mind, and that’s where the battle is going on. Before you can say “no” to the Devil, you have to learn to say “yes” to Jesus Christ. You’ve got to have his power through salvation.

The second step is to receive God’s Word to use as a sword. Truth is the antidote to temptation.

As a public service to our American-based subscribers who have yet to complete their taxes (uh, due today!), I’m providing the following IRS form, at their request:

NEW AND IMPROVED IRS FORM 1040-2EZ
(Tax Year 2015)
Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:

Social Security Number:___-__-____

1. How much money did you make in 2015?

$_____________

2. Send it to us:
Internal Revenue Service Payment Processing Center, Memphis, TN

One Liner
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

Thought for the day
Romans 6:13b, “Give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God” (NLT).

Maybe you already know what you’re good at, but you’re just not using it for the Lord. You’re using it for yourself. You need to humble yourself and dedicate to the Lord every gift you have.

A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside.

Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get double.

Man: Hmmm. Ok. First I’d like $100 million.

G: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got $200 million.

M: I understand. For my second wish, I’d like a new Porsche. In red, please.

G: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer in the world just got two of the same.

M: That’s ok with me.

G: And for your third wish?

M: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .

One Liner
Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

Thought for the day
“There are different spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit gives them. There are different ways of serving, and yet the same Lord is served. There are different types of work to do, but the same God produces every gift in every person” (1 Corinthians 12:4-6 GW).

When you know what you’re shaped to be, then you know what you ought to be, and you can start focusing on that and make better use of your life.

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. “What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

“Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?” asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”

“Why’s that, Timmy?”

“Well,” answered Timmy, “the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…”

“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the Scout Master impatiently.

“Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, ‘Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'”

One Liner
The speed in which a woman says “Nothing” when asked, “What’s wrong?” is adversely proportional to the severity of the storm that’s coming.

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 10:10, “If the ax is dull and its edge unsharpened, more strength is needed, but skill will bring success” (NIV).

That means practice, improve, sharpen, and develop. Any ability that God has given you can be increased with use

A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy–a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It was the most expensive bike in the world and cost him $32,150.99. The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin. While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits.

An old man pulled up next to him on a moped. The old man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, “What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?”

The young man replied, “It’s a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door.”

“That’s a lot of money,” said the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this bike can go 200 mph!” exclaimed the young man.

The old fella asked, “Can I take a closer look at it?”

“Sure,” replied the new owner.

From his moped the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.

Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH! Something whipped passed him going much faster.

“What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?” the young man thought to himself.

Then just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the old man on the moped! How could that be?, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror! WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the read end of the young rider’s pride and joy. The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer.

Of course the moped was crushed and the old man was lying on the ground pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked,  “Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groaned and replied, “Yes, could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?”

One Liner 
The real measure of your wealth is how much you would be worth if you lost all your money.

Thought for the day
Romans 12:1b says, “Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him” (GNT).

Say, “God, you gave me these abilities. Now I’m going to give them back to you. I want to use them for the purpose for which you gave them to me.”

SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE

~ American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
~ Your idea of a 4-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
~ You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
~ You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
~ Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
~ You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.
~ McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
~ At communion you go back for seconds.

Thought for the day
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Thought for the day
Job 32:7, “The longer you live, the wiser you become” (The Message).

That verse is a possibility, not a promise.