Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. 

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
 
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” she explained.
 
“It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

One Liner
Every time I hear that dirty word, “exercise,” I wash out my mouth with chocolate.

Thought for the day
“Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” Ephesians 4:26b-27

Deal with negative emotions immediately … otherwise they will fester in your heart and give Satan the opportunity to establish a foothold in your life.

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.

One Liner
“Support the metric system every inch of the way!”

Thought for the day
Ephesians 4:22b-24 says, “Put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and … put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (NIV).

Notice that there’s a putting off and a putting on. Your health really comes down to stopping some stuff you need to stop doing and starting some stuff you need to start doing.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2017…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford; then I’ll move in with them.

Thought for the day
“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them will be like a sensible man who built his house on the rock.” Matthew 7:25

Make righteous choices today. Walk in obedience.

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. 
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’ 

One Liner
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Thought for the day
Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” James 2:15-16 (NIV)

Faith is more than something you just feel. Many people confuse emotions and feelings with faith. They come to church and they’re moved emotionally, they’re inspired, and they’re stimulated. But that doesn’t mean they’re walking in faith.

As his parents watched from the patio, a little boy played baseball by himself in the back yard. Of course this amounted to tossing a ball into the air and attempting to hit it with his bat. As he did so he proclaimed to no one in particular, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” Unfortunately, he missed the ball and, since he was the umpire too, regretfully announced, “Strike one.” Undaunted the little fellow picked up the ball, threw it back into the air and said, “I’m the greatest baseball hitter ever!” With even greater intensity he swung the bat but all he caught was air for his efforts. “Strike two,” he said. The boy paused a moment, examined the bat and ball carefully, and then for a third time threw the ball into the air. “I’m the greatest hitter in the history of baseball,” he said. This time he swung for all he was worth, but just like the other two attempts, he missed. “Strike three,” he mumbled. Then the boy sat for a moment considering what had just happened. After a minute or so, he turned to his parents and much to their surprise said, “Wow, I just struck out the greatest hitter in the world! I must be the greatest pitcher of all time.”

One Liner
So yesterday my friend texts me and asked, “What does IDK mean?” So I answered, “I don’t know.” My friend texts me back: “OMG nobody knows!”

Thought for the day
“May your kingdom come, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven …” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

You’ll find success in life when you stop trying to include God in your plans and instead ask God to include you in his.“

WIFE’S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing…” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND’S DIARY:

A two-foot putt … WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt! 

One Liner
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.

Thought for the day
“If you … know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11 NIV)

God is the source of everything. Everything you see in the world and everything you can’t see in the world and in the universe, God made. He’s the source of every good thing in the universe.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP, part 2

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Don’t believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One LINER
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

Thought for the day
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

When we no longer worry, when we pray about everything, when we give thanks, when we focus on the right things, the apostle Paul tells us the result is, “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7 NLT).

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP, part 1

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.

~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home–eat out more.

~ Don’t have eight children at once.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

One LINER
Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

Thought for the day
For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2 (NIV)

If you’re thinking about making some a New Year’s Resolutions, consider this one from The Apostle: “This year I resolve to know nothing but Christ and him crucified.”

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The bread and the cheese,
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One LINER
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

Thought for the day  
“Whatever happens, dear brothers and sisters, may the Lord give you joy …” Philippians 3:1 (NLT)
God says you’ll find joy, when you trust that he’s in control and working to use the good – and the bad – of your life for a greater purpose.

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Sam

Dear Sam,

Yes. Run for public office.

One Liner
As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, “This place obviously wasn’t named by a real-estate developer.”