Three kids are sitting around the lunch table at school.

One says, “My dad’s a lawyer. People pay him $200 for letter with his opinion on it.”

Another says, “My dad’s a doctor. He writes prescriptions on a little sheet of paper and people pay him $300 for it.” 

The third says, “My dad’s a preacher. He writes a few notes a napkin, tells everyone and it takes 8 people to collect all the money.”

One Liner
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

Thought for the day
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22–23 (NIV)

 Since God’s compassion starts new every morning, you will never reach a point where his supply of love is exhausted

SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER

~ You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).

~ You keep repeating yourself.

~ You discover bifocals are stylish.

~ When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and you can’t get it back around.

~ Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.

~ You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

~ Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

~ People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.

~ Your social security number only has three digits.

~ In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

~ Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

~ No one expects you to run into a burning building.

~ Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.

~ People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

~ There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

~ Things you buy now won’t wear out.

~ You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

One Liner
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You are a chosen people” (NIV). That ought to raise your self-esteem! Christ has accepted you — not based on your performance, something that you earned, or something that you deserve. God simply says, “I chose you.”

If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,

doesn’t it follow that. . .

electricians could be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
and dry cleaners depressed?

Wouldn’t you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted?

Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked,
baseball players debased,
bulldozer operators degraded,
organ donors delivered,
software engineers detested, and
underwear manufacturers debriefed.

And won’t all composers one day decompose?

On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.

One Liner
Good teachers are those who can challenge young minds without losing their own.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” (Ephesians 4:23 NLT, second edition).

Let me sum it up this way: You are not what you think you are. Rather, what you think, you are.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”
 
The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
 
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving, he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
 
The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
 
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”
 
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he fell into the pool by accident.
 
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

One Liner
Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Thought for the day
Psalm 46:10 says, “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (GW).

I don’t know what you’re going to face this week. You don’t, either. But I can already tell you what God wants you to do:  Let go, and know! God is in control!! 

A little boy said to his mother and father, “I want a little baby sister. All my friends have baby sisters.” 

“Well, you pray for one, and if it’s God’s will, He will give you one.”
He prayed for months and finally forgot it.

Then one day they took him to grandmothers, and when he returned, his father took him to his mother’s bed.

His father pulled down the cover and said, “Look, son, a little baby sister.” 

Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.

“Son,” he said, “Aren’t you glad you have three baby sisters? Aren’t you glad you prayed for a baby sister?” 

“Yep,” the little boy replied, “but aren’t you glad I quit when I did?”

One Liner
“I’m a light eater – as soon as it’s light, I start to eat.”
– Art Donovan

Thought for the day
Surrendering to Jesus means laying down every area of your life. Jesus said, “If you insist on saving your life, you will lose it. Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” Mark 8:35

A golfer came home from a hard eighteen-hole golf match with some of his neighbors.

His wife greeted him and said, “Well, honey, did you win the game today?” 

“Well,” he said, “let’s put it this way. I got to hit the ball more times than anyone else.”

One Liner
“Vote for the man who promises the least. He will be the least disappointing.”
– Bernard Baruch

Thought for the day
“This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him” (Ephesians 4:13 CEV).

Becoming like Christ is a long, slow process of growth. Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life.

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$250 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”

One Liner
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong

Thought for the day
Psalm 46:10 says, “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (GW).

I don’t know what you’re going to face this week. You don’t, either. But I can already tell you what God wants you to do: Let go, and know. Let go of control, and know that God is in control. Let go, and know! This is the first step to serenity in your life.

A little boy said to his mother and father, “I want a little baby sister. All my friends have baby sisters.”

“Well, you pray for one, and if it’s God’s will, He will give you one.”
He prayed for months and finally forgot it.

Then one day they took him to grandmothers, and when he returned, his father took him to his mother’s bed.

His father pulled down the cover and said, “Look, son, a little baby sister.”
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
“Son,” he said, “Aren’t you glad you have three baby sisters? Aren’t you glad you prayed for a baby sister?”

“Yep,” the little boy replied, “but aren’t you glad I quit when I did?” 

One Liner
“I’m a light eater – as soon as it’s light, I start to eat.”
– Art Donovan

Thought for the day
“Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (Psalm 46:10 GW).

Every day, you have to decide who’s going to be in control of your life — you or God.

My sister has the courage–but not always the skills–to tackle any home-repair project. 

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
 
“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained when she saw us.
 
“Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?” Dianne suggested.

 One Liner
“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true – some smaller countries are neutral.”

Thought for the day
“You come to him as living stones, a spiritual house that is being built into a holy priesthood” 1 Peter 2:5a

God says you are a priest.  You now have direct access to God. You don’t have to pray through anybody else. You don’t have to confess through anybody else. You don’t have to fellowship with God through anybody else. You can read your Bible, talk with the Lord, and fellowship directly with him.

KID TALK

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night: “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

One Liner
I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it’s procrastination

Thought for today
“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception” Ephesians 4:22

There is no growth without change, there is no change without loss, and there is no loss without pain. If you are going to grow, you will have to change, and change means letting go of some old things in order to grab hold of some new things.