College Applicant

Parents can be very upset when their children don’t get into the college of their choice.

As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D’s, I explained that her daughter just wasn’t as “competitive” as the admitted class.

“Why doesn’t she try anther school for a year and then transfer?” I suggested.

“Another school!” exclaimed the Mother. “Have you seen her grades?”

One Liner
“Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?”

Thought for the day
God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 (NIV)

I did a little Greek study of the word “all” and this is what I discovered: the word “all” means “all.”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

One Liner
If you really want to make a long story short, don’t tell it.

Thought for the day
“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NIV)

I was once asked what the best translation of the Bible was. My answer: When you translate it into your life. That’s what Bible study is all about. If you’re not translating God’s Word into your life, you’re not studying the Bible the way God intended.

Two hunters got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, “Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”

So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.

Finally the second hunter said, “I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”

One Liner
“Be different: conform.”

Thought for the day
You can’t succeed in life until you change your attitude about the work you are doing right now. Romans 12:11 says, “Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically” (NLT).

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards. 
 
Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, that he could handle that section of history tactfully.
 
When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There they read, “George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock.”

One Liner
Today I can whine because I have to go to work or… I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Thought for the day
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6 (NIV)

Jesus is able to set us free from the lies of the enemy, but this means we must believe God’s Word, Jesus, the Truth himself. We must remember always that the Truth is a person, and so our relationship to the truth is just that—a relationship with God’s own Truth, the only begotten Son, the author and perfector of our faith.

DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store. 

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. 

4) The man places the meat on the grill. 

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women. 

One LINER
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Thought for the day 
“I hope you will be patient with me ….” (2 Corinthians 11:1a, NLT)
God is very patient and His mercy endures for ever! 

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.
 
“When did you first notice the leak?” the repairman inquired.
 
Mr. Gable scowled, “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”

One Liner
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Thought for the day
Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (NIV).

It doesn’t say that all things are good, because all things are not good.  But God says he will work good out of the bad things in life if you will trust him.

One Liner
George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles.

Thought for the day
Psalm 146:3-10
Put not your trust in princes,
    in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation.
⁴ When his breath departs, he returns to the earth;
    on that very day his plans perish.

⁵ Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
    whose hope is in the Lord his God,
⁶ who made heaven and earth,
    the sea, and all that is in them,
who keeps faith forever;
⁷     who executes justice for the oppressed,
    who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free;
⁸     the Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down;
    the Lord loves the righteous.
⁹ The Lord watches over the sojourners;
    he upholds the widow and the fatherless,
    but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

¹⁰ The Lord will reign forever,
    your God, O Zion, to all generations.
Praise the Lord!

One Liner
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

Thought for the day
Choose for your tribes wise, understanding, and experienced men, and I will appoint them as your heads.’ Deuteronomy 1:13

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.” 

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

One Liner
It’s not a REAL sponge cake unless you’ve borrowed all the ingredients.

Thought for the day
“The things you’ve learned from me in the presence of many witnesses you are to entrust to other faithful people who will also be qualified to pass it on to others.” (2 Timothy 2:2)

Don’t be intimidated by the word “mentoring.” Mentoring is as easy as taking someone to breakfast once a month and asking them, “How’s it going?”

“A Woman’s Prayer”
 
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him: and
Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength,
I’ll beat him to death!
Amen!

One Liner
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Thought for the day
“I am like a caravan, lost in the desert searching for water.” (Job 6:18 CEV)

If you feel like God is a million miles away, guess who moved? God didn’t move; you did.