A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had.

“Eight,” he replied.

The preparer asked, “Would you mind repeating that?”

The man replied, “Not if I can help it.”

One Liner
Some minds are like concrete–all mixed up and permanently set.

Thought for the day
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it”. (Psalms 139:13-14 NLT)

The Bible says you were prescribed before birth. God knew what you would be like. He chose you, and he chose your characteristics. This means you are unique. There is only one you. There is nobody else who could be you. If you don’t be you, who is going to be you? You are irreplaceable.

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, “Say It With Flowers.”

“Please wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

One Liner
I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”

Thought for the day
“It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you.” (Proverbs 29:25a TEV)

If you constantly worry about what other people think, then you’re caught in an emotional trap. You don’t have to please everybody any more than you can please everybody. It’s a myth to think that in order to be happy, you must be liked and approved of by everyone you meet. It’s just not true.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, “Good morning, Highland View Cemetery.”

One Liner
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
Joy is our birthright from the Holy Spirit. It comes from being connected to God. Galatians 5:22 tells us that the fruit of the Holy Spirit is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (NIV).

That verse doesn’t say that joy is available for only those whose natural personality lends itself easily to feelings of joy. No, it implies that joy is available for all who are in Christ Jesus and whose lives are full of the Holy Spirit.

“Oh, no!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 50 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. “Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room!”

One Liner
Hyperbole is a billion times worse than exaggerating.

Thought for the day
David wrote in Psalm 119:72, “The law that you gave means more to me than all the money in the world” (GNB). When you understand how important and how valuable God’s Word is, you’ll get serious about memorizing significant portions of it.

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”

One Liner
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Whoever can be trusted with a little can also be trusted with a lot. If you cannot be trusted with things that belong to someone else, who will give you things of your own?” (Luke 16:10a, 12 NCV)

Kids respond to responsibility. Having talked to many parents over the years and seen this in my own life, I believe that it’s far better to err on the side of giving too much responsibility than not trusting your kids enough. They’re going to make mistakes either way! Your goal is to produce a person who walks not just under his own self control but also under God’s control.

An airhead went to Florida to go to Disney World.

On the way, he saw a sign that said “Disney World Left.”

So he went home.

One Liner
I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this age before.

Thought for the day
Luke 12:15, Jesus said, “Life is not measured by how much one owns” (NCV). Don’t confuse your net worth with your self worth. They are totally unrelated. Don’t confuse your possessions with your position in Christ and your purpose. Don’t confuse what you’re living on with what you’re living for.

The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, said he would drive her if she’d direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time. Several blocks later she told him to turn again. After 20 minutes of turn after turn, they finally reached the school. At that point, the father realized they were only a few blocks from their home. Extremely annoyed, he asked his daughter why she had led him around in such circles.

“But, daddy,” the child protested, “that’s the way the school bus goes, and it’s the only way I know.”

One Liner
I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.

Thought for the day
“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” (Mark 1:35 NIV)

To have an effective quiet time, you must pick a specific time to meet with the Lord each day and decide how long it should be. The general rule is this: The best time is when you are at your best!

The object of this exercise is to see if you can find the hidden image in the group of characters below. It takes some close concentration, but it’s worth it. You’ll be quite surprised when you see what it is.

{{{{{{{

===**++++*****+++++++++++????????/////////////%

\\\\\\$%^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^***********#$$$$$$$$$$$$$

!!!!!!!!!!!##########*********%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%)))))

&&&&&&**********^^^^^^^^^%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%}}|||||||]]]<><><><>%%

\=///////^^!~~~~::—)))))——————–=============

====||\\\\\/////////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}{}[][][]

[]%%%$$$&&$$&$$===~|~|~|~|====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*)———-%%%

Think about what you think it is, and then scroll to the bottom for the answer!

You know what it is?

Give up?

Okay, I’ll give you one more chance if you don’t know. Scroll back up and put your nose right up on the screen, then slowly back away while staring at the picture. That usually makes it easier for most people.

Then scroll down to see if you’re right.

OK! Here’s the answer for you:

IT’S NOTHING!!

I hope someone walked by and saw you pressing your nose against the screen and looking at it cross-eyed! Getting quite a visual here!!

SMILE!

My wife coordinates get-well gifts for our church members who are in the hospital.

Recently she visited a member who was recuperating from a kidney stone operation. Not knowing the nature of his illness, she presented him with a copy of Max Lucado’s book, “He Still Moves Stones.”

One Liner
“How can the world end in 2014 when I have yogurt that expires in 2015?”

Thought for the day
“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed” (Mark 1:35).

In the Bible, many godly men and women rose early to meet with God. Some of these were:

Abraham (Genesis 19:27)
Moses (Exodus 34:4)
Job (Job 1:5)
Hannah and Elkanah (1 Samuel 1:19)
Jacob (Genesis 28:18)
David (Psalm 5:3; 57:7,8)

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!”

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said “Now, now, Carolyn, don’t carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me”.

“Yeah”, she said “That’s what they said the LAST time too!!!”

One Liner
No matter how much I exercise my body, it refuses to go away and leave me alone.

Thought for the day
If you’re a Christian, pay close attention to Ephesians 1:4-5: “Even before the world was made, God had already chosen us to be his through our union with Christ, so that we would be holy and without fault before him. Because of his love God had already decided that through Jesus Christ he would make us his children—this was his pleasure and purpose” (GNT).

Do you realize that when God looks at you, he sees you through Jesus Christ? When Jesus died on the cross, he paid for all of your sins, so you are forgiven and they are forgotten.