“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!” “Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.” “Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.” He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!” “Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”

One Liner
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. – Phyllis Diller

Thought for the day
The Bible says that God speaks to people who do three things. “Listen to this wise advice; follow it closely, for it will do you good, and you can pass it on to others” (Proverbs 22:17 LB).

God speaks to those who listen to what he says, follow it closely, and then pass it on to others.

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.

Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so?”

He answered, “It’s not fair that I’m not allowed to go to the library.”

His mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?”

With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have “supervision”, and I wear glasses!”

One Liner
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. – Anonymous

Thought for the day
“Jesus Christ’s outward life was densely immersed in the things of the world, yet he was inwardly disconnected. The one irresistible purpose of his life was to do the will of his Father.” – Oswald Chambers

Our neighbor loaned my husband his old chain saw to trim some tree branches. Unfortunately, the engine burned out while my husband was using it. Not wanting to return a broken piece of equipment, he bought a new saw to replace it.

When I offered it to our neighbor, he thanked me but said, “Keep it. I’ll borrow it when I need it.”

I was turning away when his eyes lit up. “Hey,” he asked, “want to borrow my car?”

One Liner
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Thought for the day
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.” (Ephesians 3:16 NLT)

Applying Scripture to our lives isn’t easy. If it were easy, more people would be doing it.

There are two bats in a cave and one says to the other, “I could do with some blood right now.”

The other said, “Me too but its almost sunrise.”

The first one said, “Wait here.” He flies off and comes back with a mouth full of blood.

The 2nd bat says, “Hey where’d ya get that blood from?”

The other replies, “Ya see that tree over there?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I didn’t.”

One Liner
“You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.”

Thought for the day
“When they saw the courage of Peter and John and could see that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and took note that these men had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13 NCV). The more time you spend with Jesus, the less you are going to be intimidated by the opinions of others and the more courage you’re going to have.

A pastor’s son and his friends were playing in the backyard when they found a dead robin. They decided that the bird should be given a proper burial and so they put him in a Kleenex box. They dug a hole and solemnly placed their feathered friend in the ground. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers. Remembering what his father always said at times like this, the young boy proclaimed loudly, “Glory be unto the Faaaaather, and unto the Sonnnn…and into the hole he goooooes!”

One Liner
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck tape to make them stop. – G.M. Weilacher

Thought for the day
“Whoever looks intently into the perfect law … and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.” (James 1:25 NIV)

If you’re serious about being spiritually strong and mature, the greatest habit you can develop is memorizing Scripture.

Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him. As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell. Why it was his favorite – apple pie! His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time. “Emily dear,” asked Edward. “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!” Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.

A moment later, Emily returned empty handed. “Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward. “Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.

One Liner
I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn. – C.E. Cowman

Thought for the day
“You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32 NLT)

Truth be told, you can’t even fathom your full potential. Only your Creator can. Only God, the one who made you, knows all you are capable of being. Your parents, your spouse, your friends, your boss — they only get a glimpse of your potential.

A young couple was going to be married. Sadly, before they were married they died in an accident. When they arrived in heaven St. Peter was there to greet them. The couple lamented to him the fact they had died before they could be married. They asked St. Peter, “Can we be married here in heaven?”

St. Peter said, “I’ve never had that request before. Let me think about it.”

A couple of months later St. Peter came back and said to the young couple, “Yes, you can be married. It’s taken me a couple of months to set things up, but you can be married.”

The young couple was further concerned and asked, “What would happen if we want to be divorced in heaven?”

St. Peter seemed to be angry and said, “What do you mean a divorce! It took me two months to find a minister. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?!?”

One Liner
A biker rally is a really bad time for your car horn to stick.

Thought for the day
Every choice we make has eternal consequences, so we need to choose wisely: “Since everything around us is going to melt away, what holy, godly lives you should be living!” (2 Peter 3:11 LB). As believers, we should be defined by godly, loving commitments. If we want to become more like Jesus, then we need to commit to the same things he did.

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

One Liner
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

Thought for the day
“Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12 NIV).

“Forgive us our debts.” No one is perfect, all of us sin, all of us have gone down a wrong path, made wrong choices, and, as a result, we live with guilt. We’ve disappointed ourselves, and we know we’ve disappointed God.

An elderly man who lived alone in Idaho…..wanted to till his sizable potato garden, ….but it was backbreaking work, …..and his son, …..who used to help him, …..was recently sent to jail.

The old man mentioned this ….in a letter he sent to his son,…..He wrote:… “I’m not sure exactly what to do…… I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot…….It looks like I won’t be able to plant that garden this year after all.”

A few days later, he received a short note from his son, “Dad, For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden …..that’s where We buried the loot ….from the heist!”

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a crew of police officers, arrived to find the stolen property.

After digging for hours, …..they gave up …..apologized to the old man …. and left.

A few days later the elderly gentleman received another letter from his son….. “Dear Dad, under these circumstances, that’s the best I can do, …. You should be able to plant your potatoes now.” (Pause)

One Liner
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

Thought for the day
“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, ‘In just a very little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.'” (Hebrews 10:36-37 NIV)

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is not a denial. Just because the answer hasn’t come yet doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer or that he’s forgotten you or that he doesn’t care about you.

It simply means “not yet”!

Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

One Liner
To be sure of always hitting the target: Shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.

Thought of the day
You need to accept God’s Word as your authority. Why? Because it is the only source that will never lie to you. If you’re going to be a man or woman of courage, you need to build your life on the rock that never changes, not on popular opinion. Build your life on the understanding that “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it — whether I understand it or not.” Hebrews 6:18 says, “God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us” (NLT).