When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

One Liner
“Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says that when we are finally able to see Jesus perfectly, we will become perfectly like him: “We can’t even imagine what we will be like when Christ returns. But we do know that when he comes we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is” (1 John 3:2 NLT).

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

One Liner
Sign in a barber shop: All of our customers make us happy: some by arriving, some by leaving.

Thought for the day
“Our love for each other proves that we have gone from death to life.” (1 John 3:14 CEV)

If I have no love for others, no desire to serve others, and I’m only concerned about my needs, I should question whether Christ is really in my life. A saved heart is one that wants to serve.

Calling For Tech Support?
(sound familiar?)

Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring…

Automated Answer:

“Thank you for calling Technical Support.

“All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.

“The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind.

“Do that now.”

One Liner
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Thought for the day
“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds” (John 12:24 NIV).

The problem is we tend to get impatient, so we dig up the seed to check the progress of its growth, and that slows down our growth! If you’re not seeing as much fruit as you’d like, don’t despair. Growth takes time.

The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.

She laughed gaily, “When I don’t want a man’s attentions,” she confided, “and he asks where I live, I just say, ‘I’m visiting here’.”

“Ha-ha,” he laughed, relishing her humor. “Where do you really live?”

“I’m just visiting here.”

One Liner
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, “If you pretend you’re asleep, he stops.”

Thought for the day
Your character is essentially the sum of your habits; it is how you habitually act. The Bible says, “Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:24 NIV).

A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.

However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn’t know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.

The agent said, “Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out.”

He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, “The preacher shot this buck!”

Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, “See here. It went in one ear and out the other.”

One Liner
I used to work as a trapeze artist. Until I was let go.

Thought for the day
“‘Bring to the storehouse a full tenth of what you earn. . . . Test me in this,’ says the Lord All-Powerful. ‘I will open the windows of heaven for you and pour out all the blessings you need.’” Malachi 3:10 (NCV)

Handy Guide to Modern Science:

1. If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology.

2. If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.

3. If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.

One Liner
Q: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
A: There was some money in the kitty!

Thought for the day
To change your perspective, the first thing you have to do is stop comparing yourself to others. The Bible says satisfaction comes from doing your best, not comparing yourself to others: “Let everyone be sure to do his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work done well and won’t need to compare himself with someone else” (Galatians 6:4 LB).

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

One Liner
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. –Carol Leifer

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will live for Christ joyfully: “I pray these things while I’m still in the world so that they will have the same joy that I have” (John 17:13b GW).

Little Ricky and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Ricky received his plate, he started eating right away. ‘Ricky! Please wait until we say our prayer.’ said his mother. ‘I don’t need to,’ the boy replied.. ‘Of course, you do,’ his mother insisted. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.’ ‘That’s at our house,’ Ricky explained. ‘But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!’

One Liner
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will grow strong spiritually: “I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one” (John 17:15 NLT).

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ‘We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?’ One child blurted out, ‘Aces!’

One Liner
Don’t worry about old age – it doesn’t last that long.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will serve Christ effectively: “Make them ready for your service through your truth; your teaching is truth” (John 17:17 NCV).

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where did you go???”

The husband calmly replied, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile blushing, said, “Yes, I remember that, my love.”

“Well, I’m at the Home Depot next to that shop.”

One Liner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
If you only love on and off like a light switch, you do not love others like God wants you to love. Jesus said, “If you only love those who love you, what credit is that to you?” (Luke 6:32a NIV)

His point is this: All of us can love those who love us back. Becoming a master lover means you learn to love the unlovable – when you love people who don’t love you, when you love people who irritate you, when you love people who stab you in the back or gossip about you.