Today we were talking about how Jesus’ arrival was told of in Isaiah. “And his name shall be called “Immanuel” which is God with us…”
Sydney raised her hand and, in a way only Sydney can, asked, “A manual? Isn’t that something that gives us instructions?”
I could only respond by saying, “I have never thought of it that way but it is without a doubt true!!”
One Liner
Should Santa’s helpers be referred to as Subordinate Clauses?
Christmas Signs
– From a toy store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
– In a bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
– Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”
– From a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
– In a Texas jewelery store: “Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.
– A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
– In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
One Liner
Happiness is a competitive advantage
PRESS RELEASE
IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED
Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas”
subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost- effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be more productive.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congresspersons. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congresspersons this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.
One Liner
You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, “Yes… it’s breakable.”
One Liner
Not saying I live in a rough area, but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
TEST TO SEE IF YOU’RE A GRINCH
~ You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)
~ You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points; 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)
~ You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)
~ You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy; if you also put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa, add 10 points)
~ You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target or Walmart in a Macy’s box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)
~ At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)
~ You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own. (Southern California & Florida only, others ignore: 5 points)
~ After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)
~ Taking toys from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)
Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100:
20-30: You’re just a cheeseball.
30-50: You’re an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over!
One Liner
What to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs, and rear.
A college student finished his first semester away from Mom’s cooking and was home on break. Having heard little from her son but complaints about the wretched cafeteria food, Mom decided to make her son’s favorite breakfast, Eggs Benedict.
Lured to the kitchen by the wonderful smell, the young man sat down and began to enjoy the first bites of Mom’s delicious meal.
When he finished he looked at his mother with a satisfied smile and said, “You know it’s true what they say, there’s no place like home for the Hollandaise.”
One Liner
Knock, knock! Whos there? Wayne. Wayne who? Wayne in a manger.
A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian’s world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?
“Well, son, explained the father, they were poor, and they couldn’t afford anything better.
Said the boy, “Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?
One Liner
Just before leaving the North Pole on Christmas Eve to deliver gifts to children around the world, Santa asked Mrs. Claus about the local weather forecast. Mrs. Claus responded, “Looks like rain, Dear!”
Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: A Holly Davison
………
Q: What is Papa Smurf’s favorite phrase at Christmastime?
A: I’ll be blue just thinking of you.
One Liner
I like to make lists; I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guessing on what’s the list while at the store.
Q: What is a Snowman’s favorite aunt?
A: Aunt Arctica
….
Q: Who was the meanest Reindeer?
A: RUDEolf
One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.
Arnold had just received his new driver’s license. The family heads out to the driveway, and climbs in the car. Arnold is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat and sits directly behind the newly-minted driver.
“Hey Dad, I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all the months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.
Dad replies, “Nope, just start driving. I’m gonna do like you’ve been doing to me all these years. I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat.
One Liner
A thief broke into police headquarters and stole all of the toilets. The police have nothing to go on.
mikeshumor 