Me: My tire’s making a whistling sound.

Mechanic: Sounds like a flat.

Me: More like an F sharp.

One Liner

I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail. But you can’t end a sentence with a proposition. 

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I replied, “Not at all.”

“Good,” he said, “Take these drinks to table nine.”

One Liner

You know you’ve grown up when a nap no longer feels like a punishment but a reward.

The story is told of a young lad who was given two quarters on a Sunday morning with instructions that one was for the Lord to be placed into the offering plate at Sunday School and the other for himself. And so off he went to church. 

As boys are oft to do, he walked along thinking about how he would spend his quarter later and was holding the two quarters in his hand. They were perfectly safe, right? Well, they were…until they weren’t. Pretty soon one slipped through his fingers, bounced off the curb into the gutter, and…you guessed it, right into the drain.

He gave it his best thought and came up with the perfect solution. He then proclaimed, “Well, Lord, there goes Your quarter.”

One Liner

A man dressed up as a baby horse and made a complete foal of himself.

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home because he was performing an appendectomy. 

“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?” 

“Sure! twenty-five hundred bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”

One Liner

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

A student burst into his professor’s office and says, “Professor, I don’t believe I deserve this F grade that you’ve given me!”

To which the professor replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the university will allow me to award.”

One Liner

Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend Weekend.

First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.

Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.

First man: Right. That’s the one they’re looking for.

One Liner

Smile. Keep everyone confused. 

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner. 

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. 

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!” 

One Liner

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

One Liner

Teamwork means not having to take all the blame yourself.

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. 

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.” 

The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault, sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

One Liner

You’re never too old to learn something stupid. 

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, “Throwing wide his arms, the father said…”

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered, “YOU’RE GROUNDED!”

One Liner

I accidentally sat on my phone and Siri suggested several local gyms.