I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said: “Turn left here.”

One Liner

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phone too!

One Liner

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong. He sobbed “I can’t find my boots.” 

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots “Are these yours?” 

“No, they’re not mine” the boy shook his head. 

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. Finally, the teacher gave up “Are you SURE those boots are not yours?” 

“I’m sure” the boy sobbed “mine had snow on them.” 

One Liner

Turns out midgets and dwarves have some things in common, but it’s a short list.

TOP 10 THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 

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One Liner

Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.”  He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

One Liner

STAR TREK on Novocain: To poldly bow air mobius gumby four! 

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.

Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, “Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you,” replies the nun. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”

She turned to the other Brother and says  “then you must be…?”

“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.”

One Liner

When somebody says “This is a silly, childish game” you can bet somebody else is winning.

A retired man volunteered to entertain the patients in the hospital. He took along his portable keyboard, told some jokes, and sang some funny songs. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.

One Liner

Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound…but when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don’t lose a pound??? 

VALENTINE’S DAY DAD JOKES

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine’s Day!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
“I’m sweet on you!”

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A hug and a quiche!

One Liner

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.

A gorilla walked into a drugstore and ordered a $1.50 chocolate sundae. He put a ten-dollar bill on the counter to pay for it.

The clerk thought, what could a gorilla know about money? So he gave the gorilla a single dollar bill in change. As he did, the clerk said, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”

“No wonder,” the gorilla replied, “at nine dollars a sundae.”

One Liner

It wasn’t the apple on the tree, but the pair on the ground.

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn, because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.  So when I got to the first window,  I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I’d done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you,” obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food, too.

Lesson: Don’t honk your horn at old people.

One Liner

I’ve changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.