Category Archives: Uncategorized
humor pic of the week
Humor – October 7
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.
“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
“Good grief,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”
“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”
One Liner
A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
Thought for the day
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many”(Mark 10:45 NIV).
When we begin to follow Jesus, he empowers us for a life of service. The more we become like Jesus, the more we will serve others.
Humor – October 6
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over, he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts”
One Liner
Text of the times:
Daughter: I love you, Mom!
Mom: Sorry. I have no money. Try it with your dad.
Thought for the day
When you learn God’s Word — or even take it a step further and memorize his Word — you protect yourself from temptation.
Rick Warren calls this the paraphrase-it method of Bible meditation. It’s pretty simple, really. You take a verse out of the Bible that you’re reading or studying, think about it for a bit, and then rephrase it and say it in your own words.
Humor – October 4
A surgeon goes to return some books borrowed from the library. The librarian quips after checking the books, “Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every book.”
The surgeon replies, “I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.
One Liner
“I think my smart phone is broken…. I pressed my home button but I’m still at work.”
Thought for the day
Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life. (Matthew 20:28 LB)
Service is not something to be tacked onto our schedules when we can spare the time. It is the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came “to serve” and “to give” — and those two verbs should define your life on earth, too.
Humor – October 3
A wholesaler from up North sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler’s goods. He got this reply:
Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you fully just exactly what I thought of your claim.
One Liner
Why does a psychic convention need to advertise?
Thought for the day
“In response to all he has done for us, let us outdo each other in being helpful and kind to each other and in doing good.” Hebrews 10:24 (TLB)
Being a people-builder requires unselfishness.
humor pic of the week
Humor – September 30
Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: “Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service.”
After explaining his needs, he said, “I’ll be back for my suit tomorrow.”
“Won’t be ready till Saturday,” replied the proprietor.
“But I thought you had 24-hour service,” the customer protested.
“We do, son,” the proprietor said reproachfully. “But we only work eight hours a day. Today’s Thursday – eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That’s 24-hour service.”
One Liner
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Thought for the day
“Having put him to sleep on her lap, she called a man to shave off the seven braids of his hair … and so his strength left him. Then she called, `Samson, the Philistines are upon you.’ He awoke from his sleep and thought `I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.’ But he did not know that the Lord had left him.” (Judges 16:19-20 NIV)
“He did not know the Lord had left him.” That is one of the most tragic statements in the Bible. He was unaware of what was happening; how his lifestyle was perpetually weakening him little by little. It was a gradual process. He had assumed he would always be strong.
Nobody ever plans to be a failure. It just comes on gradually. Nobody says, “I’m going to be a drug addict” or “I want to break up my marriage” or “I think I’ll destroy my health.” But it starts with one little thing and builds and builds until the point that one day we wake up and say, “What happened? This isn’t living for God.”
Humor – September 29
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.
“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
One Liner
“Birds of a feather flock together and aim for your car.”
Thought for the day
“Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.” Romans 12:1 (NIV)
The way you contaminate your body is by what you eat or drink, and the way you contaminate your spirit is by what your see or hear
Humor – September 28
Grandchild: “Oh, I sure am happy to see you, Gramma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!”
Grandmother: “What trick is that, dear?”
Grandchild: “I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit again!”
One Liner
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where’s the ceiling?!”
Thought for the day
But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us. (1 John 1:7-8 NCV)
The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures and flaws. But in the light, we bring them all out into the open and admit who we really are.
Of course, being authentic requires both courage and humility. It means facing our fear of exposure, rejection and being hurt again.
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