KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS
DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”

One Liner
Ninety percent of being married is just shouting “What?” from other rooms.

Thought for the day
“He and all his family were devout and God-fearing; he gave generously to those in need and prayed to God regularly” Acts 10:2 NIV

What a great legacy! Wouldn’t you like to have people writing that about you and your family one day?

Whether you have children or not, God wants you to leave a legacy like that. You’ll find people younger in age—or younger in the faith—all around you. Will you take the time to help others become what God has made them to be? Would you help them discover God’s mission for their life?

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

One Liner
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Thought for the day
“Look out for one another’s interests, not just for your own” (Philippians 2:4 GNT).

When you focus on meeting the needs of other people, God will meet your needs.

Exercise Pill

“I’m prescribing these pills for you,” said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to loose weight without exercising.

“I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time….”

One Liner
I went out to buy some goose feather pillows, but I found they were so expensive I couldn’t even afford the down payment.

Thought for the day
“The promise is not only for those people that live under the law of Moses. It is for anyone who lives with faith like Abraham”(Romans 4:16 ICB).

No matter who you are and no matter what you’ve done, God loves you and wants you to come home to him. He wants to shower his grace on you. He wants to throw a party for you when you return.

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

One Liner
Which animal do you never want to play cards with?  A cheetah

Thought for the day
Matthew 5:16 says, “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (ESV).

We were created because God wants a family. He wants to spend eternity with his family. He wants to spend eternity with you and me! Heaven is one of the most important reasons Christians can be joyful—God has given us eternal life, and heaven will be amazing!

He made this universe with a plan,
That you will do the impossible.
But if it is the plan, then how could it be impossible?
For you it is impossible.
For Him, anything is possible.
Okay, I am the one who must do it. How am I to do the impossible?
Because He is with you and within you.
Hiding.
Philippians 4:13

One Liner
God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Thought for the day
Isaiah 60:10, “I will have mercy on you through my grace” (TLB).

Grace is when God gives you what you don’t deserve. Mercy is when God doesn’t give you what you do deserve. For all the ways you’ve sinned, failed, and made mistakes, you deserve punishment. Yet God pardons you and forgives you through Christ—that’s mercy.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

One Liner
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh
What do you call a fish with 10 eyes?  f-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-sh

Thought for the day
“The LORD watches over all who love him” (Psalm 145:20 NIV).

When God fills you to overflowing, you never need to fear the future. His goodness and mercy are with you every day. You’re following the Good Shepherd, and he is out in front of you with his rod and staff.

Two guys were fishing on the river.

One catches the biggest catfish either one has ever seen. He says to his buddy, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.”

His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. “Seriously? What if we bring different boat next time?”

One Liner
Better living through denial.

Thought for the day
Jesus did this in teaching his disciples. John 13:14-15 says, “Since I . . . have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you” (NLT). Your kids don’t want to hear a sermon. They want to see Jesus’ example in your life.

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

“So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.

“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.

“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”

“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”

One Liner
When you try to show that something doesn’t work, it will.

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve”  Matthew 20:28 TLB

It’s our nature to want to be served. I want to be served. I want people to wait on me. I want people to do things for me. Yet the mark of a Christian is the desire to serve. The Spirit of Christ is service and giving yourself away.

A farmer had been swindled several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow                                   $499.95
Shipping and handling                 35.75
Extra stomach                                79.25
Two-tone exterior                          142.10
Produce storage compartment    126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper           189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system   149.20
Automatic fly swatter                     88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery      179.90
Deluxe dual horns                           59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly     884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb       69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:    $2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments:               300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $3143.36

One Liner
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

Thought for the day
“Walk carefully, not as the unwise, but as wise, making the very most of your time . . . Do not be foolish and thoughtless, but understand and firmly grasp what the will of the Lord is” Ephesians 5:15-17 AMP

You don’t just drift into good things. You must be intentional. You have to set some goals and then commit to working toward them every day.