HAVE YOU BEEN HERE…?

I’ve been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family, and boss.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country that was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

One Liner
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

Thought for the day
The Bible says that to be spiritually mature, you have to set your goals and move toward them as you keep your eyes focused on them.

“I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize . . . I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done. All of us who are mature should think in this same way”  Philippians 3:12, 14-15 CEV

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer replies, “In the region of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer enquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

One Liner
How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Thought for the day
I don’t know what burden you’re carrying. I don’t know what’s weighing you down. But I do know the answer to your trouble.

Jesus says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” Matthew 11:28-30 RSV

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old fellow who always prayed, “Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.” After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.

He answered, “Well sir, you see, it’s like this…I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time; it’s withstood a lot of weather; it’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years. It’s still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall. Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn. I’ve been around a long time. I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms. I’ve withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times. Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn’t . So we need to pray, ‘Lord
, prop us up on our leanin’ side,’ so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.”

One Liner
Sometimes, the only thing worse than having unanswered prayer is answered prayer.

Thought for the day
“I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News” (Philippians 1:12 NLT).

No matter what’s going on in your life—the good, the bad, and the ugly—God is working out a plan.

While hiking in the country, Susan and her friend Eve spotted a huge bed of
mushrooms that they knew were edible. They gathered a large basketful and
sauteed them that night. Susan’s husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking
they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eve and Susan gathered some more
mushrooms. This time, Phil joined them.

“How is it that you’re eating these mushrooms tonight,” Susan asked, “when
you wouldn’t touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your
mind?”

“I thought about it,” Phil explained seriously, “and I figured it would be
better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women
in my home.”

One Liner
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target and, long story short, I’m
covering for Debbie this weekend.

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life as a ransom for many” Matthew 20:28 TLB

Next time you read about the life of Jesus in the Bible, notice how he dealt with others. Watch how he always put others before himself. When you imitate his attitude, you live your life not for your benefit but for the benefit of others. Jesus consistently showed this throughout the Gospels.

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took x-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

“What happened to this patient?” he asked in astonishment.

“He fell out of a tree,” I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

“I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob’s Expert Tree Service.”

Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, “Cross out ‘Expert.'”

One Liner
My snooze button on my alarm clock isn’t working right. What good is an alarm clock that doesn’t let me keep going back to sleep.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 6:17 says, “Accept God’s salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (NCV).

There are two things you need to do in order to handle temptation. Salvation is the first step: “Accept God’s salvation as your helmet.” What does a helmet do? It protects your head and your mind, and that’s where the battle is going on.

The second step is to receive God’s Word to use as a sword. Truth is the antidote to temptation.  You need to get the truth that is in that book into your mind.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

One Liner
A well-adjusted person is one who can play bridge or golf as if it were a game.

Thought for the day
1 Thessalonians 5:18, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”

That’s radical gratitude. In every circumstance give thanks, because it’s God’s will for your life.

Top problems with working in a cubicle:

~ Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in an ACTUAL box all day long.

~ That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.

~ The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

~ You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.

One Liner
I got gas today for $1.49. Unfortunately, it was Taco Bell.

Thought for the day
“This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God” 2 Corinthians 9:12 NIV

When you give, you are performing a service. Serving and giving are both essential. Each is an action of love. You can’t love without serving and giving. And here’s the best part: Your service leads to expressions of thanksgiving to God.

Sister Grace at the convent opened a letter from home and found a $100 bill
from her parents.  She smiled at the gesture.  As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp
post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Grace” on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, and tossed it out the window. The stranger
picked it up and read the note. He tipped his hat to Sister Grace and
hurried away.

The next day, Sister Grace was told that a man was asking to see her.  She
went down and found the stranger waiting.  Without a word, he handed her a
huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s your $8,000, Sister,” he replied. “‘Don’t Despair’ paid 80-to-1.”

One Liner
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.

Thought for the day
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” James 3:17 NIV

A mark of wise people is that they don’t try to hide their weaknesses.

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My goodness!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma’am?”

“Why, yes, officer, I’m just fine,” the lady chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the lady began. “I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me.  So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!  I swerved to the right and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was….”

“Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror.”

One Liner
Exactly how do you get off a non-stop flight?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 17:9, “Love forgets mistakes; nagging about them parts the best of friends” (TLB)

If you’re wise, you don’t rub it in. You let it go! This is what it means to have mercy: You give people what they need, not what they deserve. You don’t hold it over their heads. You don’t emphasize the mistake. You don’t judge them. You encourage them.

Bob: What do mummies like to listen to on Halloween?
Bill: I don’t know – what?
Bob: Wrap music!

One Liner
Q: What is a ghost’s nose full of?
A: Boooooogers.

Thought for the day
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” James 3:17 NIV

Wise people are not defensive. They’re not stubborn. They’re open to reason. They’re willing to listen and learn. James 3:17 describes wisdom as “submissive,” but that word really means reasonable, willing to listen, and open to ideas and suggestions.