A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know, love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest sags to my waist, my rear is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

One Liner
I keep hitting the CTRL key, but I’m still not in control.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” Ephesians 4:23 NLT

The battle for sin, the battle to deal with those defects in your life that you don’t like, starts in your mind. If you want to change anything in your behavior or anything in your emotions, you start with your thoughts and your attitude.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies–two in the front seat and three in the back–wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!”, the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 119.”

One Liner
I keep hearing on the radio that I can make big money flipping houses, but they never say how much I have to pay for the spatula.

Thought for the day
“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception”  Ephesians 4:22 NLT

Change requires making choices. It’s not enough to dream of changing. It’s not enough to desire change. In order for you to change, you will need to make a decision. You must choose to change.

SIGNS YOUR BAPTISM SERVICE IS NOT GOING LIKE IT SHOULD

7. The Coast Guard becomes involved.

6. The service is held at “Splash Mountain Water Park.”

5. The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.

4. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.

3. You keep hearing the pastor say, “Oops. Honestly, sister, I didn’t know about that drop-off.”

2. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

One Liner
Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

Thought for the day
“Start with GOD — the first step in learning is bowing down to GOD; only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning” Proverbs 1:7 The Message

Have you noticed that the moment you establish a goal in your life, you start hearing people say, “Who do you think you are” or “It can’t be done” or “Forget about it”?

The antidote to the voices of doubt is to instead listen to the voice of God.

TRUE LOVE

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your car,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

One Liner
I think I’m allergic to Mondays … and mornings.

Thought for the day
“God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way” (Matthew 5:11-12 NLT).

Taking a stand for God won’t just impact you and those you care about in this life. It’ll have an eternal impact. When you’re afraid to speak up for God in your everyday life, that’s natural and normal. But it’s also temporary. That fear will just stay with you for a few moments. The benefits to courageously speaking out for God will stay with you for trillions and trillions and trillions of years.

SIGNS OF LIFE

English sign in German cafe: “Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating”

On a scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”

Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people”

On a music teacher’s door: “Out Chopin”

On the door of a music library: “Bach in a minuet”

At a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges”

In a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels”

On a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog”

Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action”

On maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push”

Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome – dog food is expensive”

Muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place”

One Liner
Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

Thought for the day
“Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes” Ephesians 4:23

Change requires new thinking. In order to change, we must learn about God’s truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think. We’ve talked about this before: The battle over sin starts in your mind, not in your behavior.

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. “Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.”

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m an enchanted Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.” The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. “I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and will do anything you ask.”

The guy says, “Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls. But a talking frog… that’s is cool!

One Liner
Apparently, you can’t use “beef-stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.

Thought for the day
“We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:18

God created us to live in heaven with him for eternity. Heaven is our home, not Earth. That’s why we sometimes experience discontentment and dissatisfaction in life. We’re not completely happy here because we’re not supposed to be.

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, “Say It With Flowers.”

“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

One Liner
Don’t use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

Thought for the day
“He saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan long before the world began” 2 Timothy 1:9

Why did God save you? So you could serve him. A non-serving Christian is a contradiction.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive…?”

One Liner
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

Thought for the day
“You come to him as living stones, a spiritual house that is being built into a holy priesthood”  1 Peter 2:5 GW

God says that you are a priest. Depending on your background, that may be scary or confusing. Peter is saying that the two benefits that priests have are now available to everyone who is a believer.

HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!”

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

My grandson who was in t he backseat burst out laughing…why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave everyone a wave as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

One LINER
Can you be a closet claustrophobic

Thought for the day
Romans 13:6
This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

I have a responsibility (I owe it, Paul says) to be a good citizen, a good financial manager, a nice respectful neighbor, and a person who willingly honors those who have merited it.