A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

One LINER
You know you’re getting old when you wonder what you’d feel like if you weren’t taking vitamins.

eWORD of the DAY
“let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Corinthians 7:1

The holiness of God demands holiness on our part. We must grow in our relationship with God so that His holiness becomes evident in our lives. We cannot truly reverence God apart from being marked by His holiness. To reverence Him means to submit ourselves to his holy sovereign authority, forsaking our sin and self-centeredness.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

One LINER
When I married Mr. Right, I didn’t know his first name was Always!

Thought for the day
Philippians 2:14-16
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life.

Are you a complainer or a star??

GREAT EXERCISE PROGRAM

Here’s the exercise program I’m using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!

SCROLL DOWN…

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NOW SCROLL UP…

Okay, that’s enough for the first day! -whew-

One Liner
According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 13:7, “Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures” (NCV).

If you want to raise confident kids, you’ve got to build them up more than you tear them down. You’ve got to give more cheers than you give jeers.

An outspoken atheist went on a tour of a local monastery during his vacation.

At the end of the tour, he remarked sarcastically to the monk who had been his guide, “Imagine, if God doesn’t exist – and I believe He doesn’t – you will have wasted your whole life here in this place.”

The monk replied: “If I am wrong, I shall have wasted only 60 to 80 years. But if you are wrong, you will waste eternity.”

One Liner
Is there such a thing as a rhetorical answer?

Thought for the day
“Glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of — infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes” (Ephesians 3:20 TLB).

Faith turns God-given dreams into reality. Nothing happens until somebody starts dreaming!

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man. “It’s my ball!”

One Liner
I wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented!

Thought for the day
“If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:3 NLT).

Love isn’t always the motivation for giving. Some people give just to get back or out of guilt or for control or prestige. You can give for a lot of wrong motives, but the Bible says if you’re not doing it out of love, none of your giving counts.

A guy goes into a library and says to the librarian, “I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger.”

The librarian, exassperated, replies, “Sir, do you have any idea where you are at?”

He looks around … “Oh, excuse me!”

Then whispers, “I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger.”

One Liner
I always say “No” to temptation — but it doesn’t always listen.

Thought for the day
“Even if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move,I would still be worth nothing at all without love” (1 Corinthians 13:2b TLB).

There’s a myth that being a follower of Christ is just a matter of believing certain truths. Nothing can be further from the truth! Following Christ is about living a life of love. It takes more than belief to please God.

QUESTIONS FROM JESUS

If you never felt pain, then how would you know that I am a healer?
If you never had to pray, how would you know that I am a deliverer?
If you never had a trial, how could you call yourself an overcomer?
If you never felt sadness, how would you know that I am a comforter?
If you never made a mistake, how would you know that I am a forgiver?

If you never were broken, then how would you know that I can make you whole?
If you never had any suffering, then how would you know what I went through?
If you never went through the fire, then how would you become pure?
If I never corrected you, how would you know that I love you?
If you had all power, Then how would you learn to depend on me?
If your life was perfect, then what would you need me for?

Love,
Jesus

One Liner
Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, “Relax, it’s just a bend, not the end!”

Thought for the day
“I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secret things of God and have all knowledge . . . But even with all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:2 NCV).

We live in a world where knowledge is exploding. We are smarter than we’ve ever been. But we still have the same problems: crime, abuse, prejudice, violence. Why? Because the world doesn’t need more knowledge. It needs more love. You may be a genius. But God says if you don’t have love in your life, all that you know is worthless.

A mother cannibal is walking in the jungle with her daughter.  They see a plane flying overhead.

Little girl cannibal asks: “Mommy, is that airplane up there good to eat?”

Mamma cannibal answers: “Just like a lobster, dear.  Only what’s inside.”

One Liner
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Thought for the day
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1 NLT).

We’re really impressed by great speakers. We love eloquence and charisma. But God says, “I don’t care how good of a communicator you are. Are you living a life of love?” If you’re not, then nothing you say will matter. Words without love are just noise.

HYMNS FOR SEASONED CITIZENS

~ The Old Rugged Face
~ Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
~ It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
~ Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
~ Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
~ Just a Slower Walk With Thee
~ Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
~ Go Tell It On The Mountain, But Speak Up
~ Give Me That Old Timers’ Religion
~ Blessed Insurance
~ Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I’ve Forgotten Where I Parked

ONE LINER
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead

Thought for the day 
James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

“Hang in there!” Perseverance is an important trait!!   Most important accomplishments in life happen because of perseverance. Edison said it best, life’s greatest feats, the world’s greatest discoveries, his own most fantastic inventions were “1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” “Hang in there!” and see the glory of God come through in you!

TEN SIGNS OF A FRUSTRATED MOTHER

• Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.
• Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.
• You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
• Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”
• You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.
• You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.
• The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.
• You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.
• It’s finally your turn on the computer and the “Touched by an Angel” rerun is just coming on.
• You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.

  One Liner
  My mom thinks coupons are money, and gives them for gifts.

  Thought for the day
  Matthew 6:30 says, “If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you, O men of little faith?” (TLB).

  If you trust in God, you don’t need to worry.