Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

One Liner
Instead of saying hello, my mom gets on the phone and says, “Guess who died?”

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (NIV).

When you worry about a problem, it doesn’t bring you one inch closer to a solution. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair — a lot of activity, energy, and motion, but no progress. Worry doesn’t change anything except you. It makes you miserable!

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“Oh! I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

One LINER
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:26: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (NIV).

There’s only one thing in all of God’s creation that worries: people. We’re the only things God has created that don’t trust him, and God says this is unnatural.

A Woman’s Poem

He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him…
Just like his Mother used to do.

One LINER
The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.

Thought for the day
Psalm 63:1
“my soul thirsts for you”

My life is dry without God – my satisfaction is in God alone.

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each.”

One Liner
I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:25 says, “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (NIV).

Jesus is saying that if it’s not going to last, don’t worry about it.

Elmer says, “First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.”

Calvin says, “Boy, you had quite a time!”

Elmer replies, “I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull through that spelling test.”

One LINER
Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Thought for the day
John 8:31-32
Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Knowing truth only comes by living in obedience to Jesus – truth is something you do, you live. So only by doing will we ever know the truth that liberates us.

A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife’s casket. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

One LINER  
Always take time to stop and smell the roses…sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

Thought for the day
John 4:24
God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship him in spirit and in truth.

Worship Him in spirit and truth!!

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!  The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.  And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, “Why did you just do that?  That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!”

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.”

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.  They run around full of garbage — frustration, anger, disappointment.  As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.

Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.  Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t.

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

One LINER
Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind, and the ones who mind, don’t matter.

Thought for the day
Mark 10:43
“Whoever wants to be great must become a servant”

We serve God by serving others.  Jesus, however, measured greatness in terms of service, not status. God determines your greatness by how many people you serve, not how many people serve you.

Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

One LINER
One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

Thought for the day
“When Jesus came by, he looked up at Zacchaeus and called him by name! ‘Zacchaeus!’ he said” (Luke 19:5 TLB).

The name Zacchaeus means “pure one.” That’s the last thing that comes to mind when you think of a corrupt government official. He was anything but pure. And yet Jesus, calling Zacchaeus by name, was saying, “Hey, pure one, I’m coming to your house today.” Jesus was affirming what he saw in Zacchaeus, not what Zacchaeus was.

You may be afraid to get close to Jesus because you think he’s going to scold you for all the things you’ve done wrong. But Jesus wants to affirm you. He wants to let you know how much he loves you.

Toilet Repair

Because I couldn’t unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non- plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn’t work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn’t working.

“Did you get the green one, too?” he asked.

One LINER
“My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it is gone.”

Thought for the day
John 9:6
Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes.

What faith the blind man acted on in his walk to Siloam to wash! All through the crowd with mud on his face!!

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law…but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

One LINER
The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Thought for the day
John2:23
Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many people saw the miraculous signs he was doing and believed in his name.

Jesus could see their thoughts and knew they were more attracted to His power than His mission, which was to reveal God and His salvation. Are you more attracted to His power or His mission?