A woman goes to the vet with her goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.

The woman says, “well wait – I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet!”

One Liner
You spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Thought for the day
“Our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.” (2 Corinthians 3:18b, Msg)

Real spiritual maturity is never the result of a single experience, no matter how powerful or moving. Growth is gradual.

Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?”

“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.

I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!”
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
“Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!”

“What is it?” I asked.
“My husband’s new hearing aid.”  

One Liner
The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Thought for the day
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”  Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

The right attitude is to always keep your plans submitted to God.  Make your plans but say, “God, if this is what You want, this is the direction I’m going to go.  I’m doing this with flexible faith.”

A couple’s happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.  For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”

His wife looked at him, aghast. “MY Aunt Emma!” she cried. “I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!”

One Liner
“Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.”

Thought for the day
“Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control” (Proverbs 25:28 NIV).

Self-control brings with it the good feeling of competency. Like a finely tuned precision automobile, your life stays on course with the slightest touch of steering. The results of self-control are confidence and an inner sense of security.

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes sir,” the clerk replied.

“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

One Liner
There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Thought for the day
Noah was a righteous man … and he walked in close fellowship with God. Genesis 6:9 (NLT)

Walking with God means saying, ‘God, I’m going in your direction, not my direction. I’m going at your pace, just as fast or slow as you tell me

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

One Liner
Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after.

Thought for the day
“In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy.” Philippians 1:4 (NIV)

The quickest way to change a relationship from bad to good is to start thanking God in prayer for people.   The more specific you are in prayer the more specifically you get an answer

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”

I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.”

He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

One Liner
“Those who follow the crowd usually get lost in it.”

Thought for the day
Each of us will have to give a personal account to God. Romans 14:12 (NLT)

At the end of your life on earth you will stand before God, and he is going to evaluate how well you served others with your life.

My pastor friend put sanitary, hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.

I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a scribbled sign that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

One Liner
A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from countless refrigerator leftovers.

“I don’t know,” he said dubiously. “It seems to me that we’ve blessed all this stuff before.”

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “If you insist on saving your life, you will lose it. Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live.” (Mark 8:35 (LB)

We are only fully alive when we’re helping others.

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

“What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner…”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

One Liner
“Everybody is liable to make mistakes, but fools practice them.”

Thought for the day
“Do all your work in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14 TEV)  

The point is, any job can be turned into worship when it is built on the model of Christ’s love; that love is expressed to co-workers, clients, and customers. Mother Teresa said, “It’s not what you do so much that matters, but how much love you put into it.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

One Liner
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. “No peer pressure” she responded.

Thought for the day
“The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; he pulled me out of the deep waters” (Psalm 18:16 TEV).

No matter how deep you are, God’s love is there; he can pull you out of the deepest waters.

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”

Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”

“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really cute.”

“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.

“He looks just like you.”

One Liner
The three great discoveries of humankind: fire, the wheel, and the “undo” button!

Thought for the day
Psalm 145:18 (NIV) says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him.”

He’s never too busy to talk to me.  God has no problem processing everyone’s prayer request at the same time, because He’s God.  He’s always near.  He never says, “Some other time.”