TODAY’S STOCK MARKET REPORT:

Helium was up. 
Feathers were down. 
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. 
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. 
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. 
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

One Liner
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. 

“Hoot mon,” he said, “in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20.” 

“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked.” 

“Well, at $100 an hour for a boat,” said the Scotsman, “it’s no wonder He walked.” 

One Liner
You gotta be patient.  Half the people you deal with are below average.

A PARENT’S PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at And what they’re doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

One Liner
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

On her 97th birthday, a British lady received many letters and cards of congratulations, including one from the prime minister congratulating her on her 107th birthday.

The next year as her birthday approached, she was asked by a casual acquaintance how old she’d be.

“I really don’t know,” she replied. “I haven’t heard from the government yet.”

One Liner
My doctor says I have the body of a 16-year old … dog.

Thought for the day
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens . . . a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 NIV

Sometimes the only appropriate, logical response to life is grief. The Bible says you are to grieve over your losses, including your disappointments, your sin, the suffering in the world, and your friends who are spiritually lost. God doesn’t expect you to be happy all the time. In fact, he wants you to be intentional in your grief.

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last.”

One Liner
Exercise? I thought you said, “Extra fries.”

Thought for the day
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

One of the best strategies for de-escalating conflict is also one of the scariest things you can do: Asking God to give you a clear picture of yourself.

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. 

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

One Liner
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 

Thought for the day
“My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19 ESV).

Your job shouldn’t be your security. Your job is a channel, but God is your source. If you understand this, you’ll have so much less stress in your life. Let me say it again: Your job is a channel, but God is the source of your supply

A father of 3 daughters was worried when they started dating — and was relieved when all the boys they brought home were pleasant and well mannered.

He felt good about this until he mentioned it to to one of this daughters.

“You know, Dad,” she replied, “we don’t show you everybody.” 

One Liner
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 

Thought for the day
“Look out for the good of others” 1 Corinthians 10:24 NCV

If you want to serve people through ministry, you need to slow down and observe the world. It helps you be sensitive to the needs of other people.

1st customer: I’ll have tea.

2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean!

(The waiter exits, and then returns after a while.)

Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean cup?

One Liner
I told my parents they’re famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint: 

“Clint Eastward.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus told him, ‘Go and do likewise’” Luke 10:37 NIV

If you want to serve others the way Jesus serves you, then toss your schedule out the window. People need you when they need you. You must be willing to be interrupted.

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

One Liner
No matter which way you go, it’s uphill and against the wind.

Thought for the day
“Never walk away from someone who deserves help; your hand is God’s hand for that person. Never tell your neighbors to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now” Proverbs 3:27-28 The Message/GNT

Love is something you do. Love doesn’t just say, “I feel sorry for what happened to that guy. Isn’t it a shame? Isn’t that too bad?” Love seizes the moment.