An Irishman, by the name of O’Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day.  He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.  The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller.  He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass on learning it wasn’t real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

‘It was in honour of St. Patrick’s Day, ‘he smiled.

‘I gave you a sham rock.’

One Liner
‘I hear O’Brien died,’ said Pat. ‘Was he ill long?’
’No,’ said Mick. ‘He died in the best of health.’

Thought for the day
And all of you must put on the apron of humility, to serve one another; for the scripture says, “God resists the proud, but shows favor to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5 (TEV)

A real servant maintains a low profile. Servants don’t promote or call attention to themselves.

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster.  “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'”

One LINER
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Thought for the day 
Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Mark 10:43 (MSG)

The world defines greatness in terms of power, possessions, prestige, and position. If you can demand service from others, you’ve arrived. In our self-serving culture with its me-first mentality, acting like a servant is not a popular concept.

We serve God by serving others.

“Cinnamon Rolls”

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, “About 10 years.”

One LINER  
“Men take only their needs into consideration, never their abilities.”
– Napoleon Bonaparte

Thought for the day
They said to the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.” John 4:42

Won’t believe for yourself until you experience God for yourself

Eggs-itement

One day, my five-year-old daughter, Tori, helped me put away groceries. She didn’t know I’d purchased brown eggs instead of the usual white. When Tori opened the carton, her eyes widened in amazement and she exclaimed, “Look, Mommy, whole wheat eggs!”  

One LINER
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Thought for the day
“He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:3

Our own redemption puts a new song in our mouths.  Out of hearts of gratitude and love for God, we share our witness.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please!”

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

One LINER
Don’t play stupid with me. I always win.

Thought for the day 
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)

Do you know how to deal with conflict?  The solution to conflict resolution is one word: confrontation.  To resolve conflict, you must confront. But, don’t confront in anger. Lovingly go to the person and, then speaking the truth in love, deal with the problem immediately

“Reading Glasses”

I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed “to help him read and be able to see the computer better”.

When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.

I asked him what was the problem and he said, “I still can’t read.”

One LINER
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?

Thought for the day 
Psalm 73:25-26
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

What can we keep when our lives end and our bodies are placed silently in their graves at death? Only our relationship with God and his people last beyond the grave. If he is what lasts, then how can we displace him for anything that doesn’t?

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn’t decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses — one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, “She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife.”

The young man bought a dozen roses.

One LINER
~ Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Thought for the day
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG).

Ask God to open your eyes and help you see his purpose for your life. God, who made you, has this to say about you: “I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 TEV).

Jury Excuse”

“Please, Your Honor, I’d like to be excused from jury duty,” pleaded an anxious-looking man.

“Why should I excuse you?” asked the judge.

“You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he’s leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He’ll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him.”

“Excused,” stated the judge coldly. “We don’t want anyone on the jury who can lie like that.”

One LINER
Famous Last Words

640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981

Thought for the day
Isaiah 44:2a (CEV)

I am your Creator.

You were in my care even before you were born.

thought for the day

You Are Not an Accident

A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to McDonald’s with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!!”

One LINER
“When you have a need, plant a seed.” – Rick Warren

Thought for the day
Romans 11:33

Oh, the depth and riches of the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out.

God’s plan to save us is incredible. His blueprints for the creation of our universe are beyond our imagining. He is so rich in wisdom and knowledge. What else can we do but go to him and ask him to open our minds to his work and his will in our lives.  Open my eyes that I may see!!!

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed.

“Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man says.

“That’s okay, Dad,” the son says. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

One LINER
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Thought for the day
Acts 9:10-13
In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias…..The Lord told him, “Go…”In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.”  “Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem.

“I have heard many reports” causes us to listen to the people around us instead of God who clearly speaks and says, “Go..”  Let us listen to the voice of God today!