A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please!”

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Don’t play stupid with me. I always win.

Thought for the day 
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)

Do you know how to deal with conflict?  The solution to conflict resolution is one word: confrontation.  To resolve conflict, you must confront. But, don’t confront in anger. Lovingly go to the person and, then speaking the truth in love, deal with the problem immediately

“Reading Glasses”

I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed “to help him read and be able to see the computer better”.

When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.

I asked him what was the problem and he said, “I still can’t read.”

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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?

Thought for the day 
Psalm 73:25-26
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

What can we keep when our lives end and our bodies are placed silently in their graves at death? Only our relationship with God and his people last beyond the grave. If he is what lasts, then how can we displace him for anything that doesn’t?

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn’t decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses — one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, “She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife.”

The young man bought a dozen roses.

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~ Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Thought for the day
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG).

Ask God to open your eyes and help you see his purpose for your life. God, who made you, has this to say about you: “I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for” (Jeremiah 29:11 TEV).

Jury Excuse”

“Please, Your Honor, I’d like to be excused from jury duty,” pleaded an anxious-looking man.

“Why should I excuse you?” asked the judge.

“You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he’s leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He’ll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him.”

“Excused,” stated the judge coldly. “We don’t want anyone on the jury who can lie like that.”

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Famous Last Words

640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981

Thought for the day
Isaiah 44:2a (CEV)

I am your Creator.

You were in my care even before you were born.

thought for the day

You Are Not an Accident

A pretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to McDonald’s with me?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald’s with me to have dinner?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes!!”

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“When you have a need, plant a seed.” – Rick Warren

Thought for the day
Romans 11:33

Oh, the depth and riches of the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out.

God’s plan to save us is incredible. His blueprints for the creation of our universe are beyond our imagining. He is so rich in wisdom and knowledge. What else can we do but go to him and ask him to open our minds to his work and his will in our lives.  Open my eyes that I may see!!!

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed.

“Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man says.

“That’s okay, Dad,” the son says. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

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I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Thought for the day
Acts 9:10-13
In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias…..The Lord told him, “Go…”In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.”  “Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem.

“I have heard many reports” causes us to listen to the people around us instead of God who clearly speaks and says, “Go..”  Let us listen to the voice of God today!

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service.

Finally, his big sister had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!”

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Don’t spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Thought for the day   
“Make the most of every chance you get” (Ephesians 5:16 MSG).

The best time to manage your time is right now – not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. Now!

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

One LINER
Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Thought for the day   
Galatians 5:22-23
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Holy fruit!!  Say them out loud and ask the Lord to make it true in you: LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL 

Government Farm Visit

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; “I need to inspect your farm.”

The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”

The Agriculture representative said in a “wise” tone, “I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer  heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was  madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

“Help,” the rep shouted to the farmer, “what should I do?” he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: “Show him your card!”

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If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 11:5  As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

I don’t know. I don’t know! That has to be one of the hardest phrases for us to use. But when thinking about God and his ways, that’s really all we can say. We know about God only what he in his grace has chosen to reveal to us. He is the Mystery of mysteries. He is the supreme knowable Unknown.  Yet what we do know of him, what he has revealed to us in Jesus, is not only mighty and awesome, but loving and merciful.