Daughter: “Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?”

Dad: “When you’re a year older than your brother.”

The daughter thought for a moment and replied: “But I’ll never be older than my brother, he was born first.”

Dad: “I guess there’s your answer. But don’t blame me, go talk to your brother.”

One Liner
Opportunity knocked at my door, but I was at the pier waiting for my ship to come in.

Thought for the day
“If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done.”   Matthew 6:15 GNT

If you are unwilling to forgive someone and you don’t want God to forgive them either, that reveals bitterness and resentment in your life.

A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball from the red ladies tee on the first hole, right in front of the pro shop. As he began his backstroke, a voice boomed over the public address system: “Would the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the men’s tee?!”

He glared over his shoulder, then began again to prepare to hit his ball.

The loudspeaker again shattered the silence, repeating, “Will the man hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please move it back to the white, men’s tee?!

At that, the man turned and faced the clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his mouth he hollered, “Will the man in the clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take my second shot?!”

One Liner
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.

Thought for the day
Hebrews 13:20-21 (TLB) says, “May the God of peace . . . equip you with all you need for doing his will”

Here’s the secret: Whatever you need more of, take the little you’ve got and start using it to serve other people unselfishly. Then watch God multiply it.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

One Liner
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Humankind.

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 10:23: “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive” (NIV).

Some things are morally neutral. To make a good decision, you need to go to a higher standard and ask, “Will I become a better person because of what I’m about to do?” That’s called the improvement test.

An man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let ’em swim’ round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take ’em home.”

“That’s a bunch of bunk! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It’s the truth. I’ll show you. It really works.”

“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” said the man.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!”

“What fish?”

One Liner
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don’t have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

Thought for the day
“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path”  Psalm 119:105 NIV

When you need to make a decision, the first and ideal test is this: “Is my decision in harmony with God’s Word?”

On their second anniversary, a husband sent flowers to his wife at the office.  He told the florist to write “Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!” on the card.

She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: “Happy Anniversary. You’re Number 2.”

One Liner
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Thought for the day
“If someone believes it is wrong, then he shouldn’t do it because for him it is wrong”  Romans 14:14 TLB

This verse simply says that when in doubt, don’t. It’s a violation of the integrity test. Whatever is not from faith in our lives is sin.

At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.

The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again. Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.

“I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night…”

One Liner
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Thought for the day
“gossip can’t be trusted with a secret, but someone of integrity won’t violate a confidence” Proverbs 11:13 The Message

God is looking for men and women of integrity who know how to keep a secret and not pass gossip around on social media. Don’t talk about people behind their back. Don’t even listen to that stuff.

Teacher: “Which is the best month to study?”

Student: “Octembruary.”

Teacher: “Don’t be silly. There’s no month like that.”

Student: “Exactly….”

One Liner
Bottomless pit of needs and wants.

Thought for the day
The wicked borrow and never pay back”  Psalm 37:21 GNT

You may not think this is a big deal, but it’s a big deal to God. Do you spend more money than you make? That is a lack of integrity. Do you get yourself in debt for things that you can’t pay off? That is a lack of integrity.

One day while driving through a neighborhood near his church, Pastor John saw a little boy on a front porch, struggling trying to reach the doorbell.

Feeling like he needed to help the young fellow, he stopped his car and got out to help. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, in a teaching way, “Now what do we do?”

“Now,” the boy said, laughing, “we run!”

One Liner
We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don’t we have inchage?

Thought for the day
“People who promise things that they never give are like clouds and wind that bring no rain”  Proverbs 25:14 GNT

People of integrity keep their word. If they say they’ll do it, they do it. If they say they’ll be there, they show up.

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.

Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the “Print” command.

The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.

The topic?

“Save Our Trees.”

One Liner
What do you call a chicken that’s afraid?

Thought for the day
“Be humble when you correct people who oppose you . . . They have been trapped by the devil, and he makes them obey him, but God may help them escape”  2 Timothy 2:25-26 CEV

When you face opposition because of your faith, you need to recognize the source of the opposition.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

One Liner
No problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.

Thought for the day
“How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word” Psalm 119:9 NIV

The only way you’re going to know what God approves of and what he thinks of you is by reading the Bible. You must stay in God’s Word! If you don’t, you will not have the strength and the stamina to live with integrity.