Things Kids Say ….

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

One Liner
To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.

Thought for the day
Take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4:22-24 (MSG)

God’s ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ. Becoming like Christ does not mean losing your personality or becoming a mindless clone

Some smart advice….

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

One Liner
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?! Man, that’s expensive.

Dentist: Okay, I’ll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

One Liner
“Things turn out the best for people who make the best of how things turn out.”
~ John Wooden

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

God waits for you to act first. Don’t wait to feel powerful or confident. Move ahead in your weakness, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings

Did You Ever Wonder?

– When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
– Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? i iz hukt on fonix
– Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
– Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
– You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
– If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
– If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
– If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

One Liner
May thy ball lie in green pastures … and not in still waters.

Thought for the day
“If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing even to give up their lives to follow me.” Matthew 16:24 (NCV)

When you decide to live a totally surrendered life, that decision will be tested. Sometimes it will mean doing inconvenient, unpopular, costly, or seemingly impossible tasks. It will often mean doing the opposite of what you feel like doing 

There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!–out popped a genie!

“I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like.”

So the guys thinks for a minute and says, “I would like a billion dollars.”

“You shall have it,” and the genie grants him the wish. “Anything else?”

The guy thinks for a while. Then, “I would like a VW Bug with A/C, convertible, power locks, power windows, satellite radio, you know the works.”

“Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?”

“Hmmm. I think I’ll save it for a rainy day.”

“Okay, suit yourself,” says the genie.

So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There’s a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

One Liner
Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.

Thought for the day
Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 2 Corinthians 9:6 (NIV)

No farmer considers sowing seeds an expense. He sees it as an investment.

NEW MEDICINES APPROVED BY THE FDA

Histalavista: Say bye-bye to those allergies.

Milk of Amnesia: Infant formula to help babies forget birth trauma.

Non-Interferon: Black market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws.

Testsoteroni: A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

Aesthetominophen: You don’t feel any better, but you look fabulous.

Elmer’s Aspirin: Half aspirin and half glue, for those splitting headaches.

Preparation H with Aspirin: Offers relief from people who are a pain in the posterior.

One Liner
My mind is like lightning. One bright flash and it’s gone.

Thought for the day
“Everything . . . connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it!” (Ephesians 4:22 MSG).

We must let go of old ways of acting