A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.

The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”

One Liner

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how. 

When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.

The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints — this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

One Liner

Cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner

At the end of the day, we are all human beans. We will rice. Lettuce pray.

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. 

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, “How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?”

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, “Once?”

One Liner

Save the chocolate moose! 

Before they slid into a booth, one guy brushed crumbs off the seat and the other took a napkin and swiped at a spill on the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

“No thanks,” said the first guy. “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”

“I’ll have black coffee too,” said the second. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.

Two minutes later, she was back. “Two cups of black coffee,” she announced.

“Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

One Liner

Remember, you can’t have everything. Where would you keep it?

As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car
toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked
and joined her in pushing her car.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m giving you a hand,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“I’m stretching before my run.”

One Liner

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.

A middle-aged man dies, and soon finds himself with both St. Peter and the devil. St. Peter asks his name. And he says, “Bower, Johnny Bower.” And St. Peter says, “Johnny Bower? Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re not supposed to die for another 5 years. We’ll have to send you back down.”

Mr. Bower is overjoyed, but he notices the two doors leading to Heaven and Hell, and hears what sounds like a party behind the door to Hell. He asks if he can go over and just look around. The devil says, “Of course, but just for a few minutes.” So he goes over and finds an incredible party going on, with wonderful food and drinks, and everyone obviously having a great time. He says to himself, “If this is Hell, I want to be part of it!”

So when he gets back to earth, he sins his brains out for the next 5 years, doing every immoral thing imaginable to be sure he winds up in Hell. And sure enough, 5 years to the day later, he’s facing the devil again in front of the door to Hell. As the door opens, he hears no music, and there is no food or a party. There are just these flames leaping out from the door. In disbelief, he asks, “Where’s the party? Where are all the people having fun?” The devil grins and says, “Oh, you fell for that? Well, 5 years ago you were a prospect. Now you’re a customer.”

One Liner

Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree! 

One day down at the VFW hall, some old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors .

The first declared proudly, “My great grandfather, at age 13, was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

The second boasted, “Mine went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

The third said, “I’m the only soldier in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

One Liner

Outside an ice cream shop: “Scream until daddy stops the car.”