Monthly Archives: May 2018

Humor – May 11

Mother’s Dictionary 

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Verbal: able to whine in words

Weekend: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

One Liner
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie

Thought for the day
But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:7–8 (NCV)

Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface-level chit-chat. It’s genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level, sharing.

Humor – May 10

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to a man who answered one door.

“How much will you charge to paint my porch?” asked the man.

“Forty dollars.”

“Fine” said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.

Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.

“All done!”, he says, and collects his money.  “By the way,” the student says, “That’s not a Porsche, it’s a Ferrari.”

One Liner
“Anger is only one letter short of danger.”

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work, not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 LB

You were saved to serve God. God redeemed you so you could do his “holy work.” You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value.


Humor – May 9

The Dentist’s Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor’s Hymn: The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn: There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn: Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist’s Hymn: Open My Eyes That I May See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn: I Surrender All
The Gossip’s Hymn: Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn: Send Out Thy Light
The Shopper’s Hymn: Sweet By And By

One Liner
How do you throw away your old garbage cans?

Thought for the day
…worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.   (1 Chronicles 16:29)

He is worthy of worship. He is the Creator of the world. There is no other name above His name.  Has there been a time in your life when you let something else take first place in your life? (i.e., power, prestige, pleasure, pay check, etc.)


Humor – May 8

Hymns to sing when driving:

45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I’m Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories

One Liner
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.

Thought for the day
When Esther’s servants told her what Mordecai was doing, she was deeply disturbed.” Esther 4:4 (TEV)

Make a list of the needs that disturb you and then do something about it.

Humor – May 7

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

One Liner
If it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?

Thought for the day
Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LorD our Maker… (Psalm 95:6)

Anything you do that brings pleasure to God is an act of worship.

Humor – May 4

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to become the next famous bodybuilder, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?!”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What!? You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”

One Liner
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.

Thought for the day
“You will be witness to all men of what you have seen and heard.” Acts 22:15

Acts 22:1-21 Paul sharing his personal story or testimony.  Are you sharing yours with those you come in contact with?

Humor – May 3


1. The Macy’s-One-Day-Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don’t-Know-How-Long-It’s-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My-Boyfriend’s-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I’m-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn’t-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.

8. The It’s-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I’m-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won’t-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I’ve-Got-The-Doctor’s-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

One Liner

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not cover you.

Thought for the day 

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. 1 Thessalonians 2:8

He wants to work through you. What matters is not the duration of your life, but the donation of it. It doesn’t matter how long you live, but how you live.

Once you know that God loves you and wants a relationship with you, then God wants you to turn right around and begin telling other people about the Good News from God.

Humor – May 2

My 9 year old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project.” I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: “The oldest thing in my house.”

One Liner
Seen on a Taxidermist’s sign: “We really know our stuff.”

Thought for the day
“Whoever is faithful in small matters will be faithful in large ones; whoever is dishonest in small matters will be dishonest in large ones” Luke 16:10

A common saying today is that “what you do in your private life is nobody’s business.” Well, it actually is. What you do in your private life — behind closed doors or out of view of other people — builds and reveals your true character.