Monthly Archives: June 2019

Humor – June 20

A pastor was having an awful time with his congregation and eventually decided to pack it in.

At the close of the next Sunday morning service he announced, “Some years ago Jesus brought me to this congregation. Jesus is now taking me away from it.”

With those remarks he sat down somewhat abruptly and it was left to the organist to announce the closing hymn. “How appropriate,” he commented, “that we sing hymn number 104 – ‘What a friend we have in Jesus.'”

One Liner
I had amnesia once — or twice, I forget which it was.

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:25, Jesus says this: “Do not be worried about the food and drink you need in order to stay alive, or about clothes for your body. After all, isn’t life worth more than food? And isn’t the body worth more than clothes?” (GNT).

Worry exaggerates the problem. Problems don’t shrink when you think about them. They grow.


Humor – June 19

PULLED OVER

“Hey you! Pull over!” shouted the traffic cop.

The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.

She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, “One pullover, $25.”

One LINER  
The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket.

Thought for the day
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret” (Proverbs 11:13 NIV).

We tend to think of gossip as one of those “little” sins. But when God talks about gossip, he puts it on the list with things like sexual immorality and murder. Why? Because it is so destructive to relationships. Gossip can tear apart friendships, families, and churches.

Gossip is talking about a situation with somebody who is neither a part of the problem nor a part of the solution. If we’re honest, what we’re doing is making ourselves feel a little more important at somebody else’s expense.

Humor – June 18

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE

~ “I’ll be Sewing You”

~ “Red Cells in the Sunset”

~ “It’s Spleen a Long, Long Time”

~ “It Had to Be Flu”

~ “On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma”

~ “Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney”

~ “The Staphs and Streps Forever”

~ “Old Man’s Liver”

~ “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Brace”

~ “The Girl From Emphysema”

~ “MRI Blue?”

~ “My Melancolicky Baby”

~ “From Here to Maternity”

One LINER
Born with nothing and still have most of it – Lou Holtz

Thought for the day
“If God gives us wealth and property and lets us enjoy them, we should be grateful and enjoy what we have worked for. It is a gift from God” Ecclesiastes 5:19

That’s the kind of God we serve. He gave us the world for our enjoyment! But here’s the problem: We’re so busy getting more that we don’t enjoy what we’ve got.


Humor – June 17

Spell Insect
A college roommate of mine was doing her student teaching. While she watched the second graders practice their writing, a little boy raised his hand to get her attention.

“Teacher, how do you spell ‘sex’?”

Startled at the question, my friend made her way to his desk and quietly asked, “What word did you want me to help you spell?”

The little boy replied, “I have the first part–I-N–but I don’t know how to spell the whole word–‘Insects.'”

One LINER
Our preschooler, Morgan, really was excited about our new home computer. We didn’t know how special it was until we overheard her say, hugging her favorite teddy bear, “Oh, Grizzwald, I love you so much. I wish I could double click you!”

Thought for the day
God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” Proverbs 16:21

Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.

 

Humor – June 14

Job Security
After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.

Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, Dewey, but I’m going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage.”

“How much will it cost?” Dewey asked.
“About $5,000,” the owner replied.
“Finally!” Dewey exclaimed. “Job security!”

One LINER
If you live long enough, something will kill you.

Thought for the day
God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” Proverbs 16:21

Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.


Humor – June 13

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor.” Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s yet another one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern . . . It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

One Liner  
*”Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 40s.”

Thought for the day
“First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye” Matthew 7:5

Because we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict.

Humor – June 12

Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: “Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where *I* went!”

One LINER
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.

Thought for the day
“Look out for one another interests, not just for your own” (Philippians 2:4 GNT).

The phrase “look out for” is the Greek word skopos, from which we form our words “telescope” and “microscope.” It means to pay close attention! Focus on the other person’s feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.

Humor – June 11

Priest Twin

Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased’s relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, “Brother or sister?”

“Cousin,” she replied.

One Liner
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.

Thought for the day
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” Proverbs 19:11

Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others.