Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

One LINER
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Thought for the day
Psalm 23:1
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

The Lord is … the Lord always has been is and the Lord always will be is! Whatever you need just fill in the blank – To the baker the Lord is the bread of life, to the traveler the Lord is the way, to the judge the Lord is the truth, to the sinner the Lord is the Lamb of God that takes away the sin of the world. Just fill in the blank _________

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

One LINER
~ Drop a piano on an Army base and I’ll show you A-flat major!

Thought for the day
Romans 1:16
For I am not ashamed of the gospel: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

Paul was on fire for the gospel.  His life centered around it.  Thus he proclaimed it boldly day in and day out.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped

him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn’t
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault.  Today is
my first day driving a cab.  I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

One LINER
Most friction in life is caused by the tone of the voice.

Thought for the day
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, 
I will trust in you.

A great verse – one we taught our children when they were small – but one we all claim today as adults!

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

One LINER
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Thought for the day
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

It is naive to think that trusting in God solves all of our problems — Christians have many of the same problems that unbelievers do because they share the same mortal flesh. On the other hand it’s true that if we trust in God, we believe our work stands or falls in his hands and that ultimately we will share in his victorious and glorious presence. It means our lives will not be lived in vain. That’s not just confidence, but it’s the foundation to true peace — life lived to its fullest and richest knowing that it matters and we don’t need to be anxious about its results.

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

One LINER
“Money talks, but credit has an echo.”

Thought for the day
Psalm 8:2
From the lips of children and infants 
you have ordained praise

Our function as humans is to glorify God!

OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK

11. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”
12. “Hey, there are more that two flies in here!”
13. “I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family…”
14. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”
15. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants–QUICK!”
16. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?”
17. “Don’t make me pull this Ark over and come back there!”
18. “No, Ham, you cannot eat the pig!”
19. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”
20. “Nice doggie!”
21. “Are we there yet?”

One LINER
“No comment” is a comment.

Thought for the day
Psalm 62:11-12
“two things have I heard: 
that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.

God is strong and loving – depend on Him when in your time of need and in your times of praise!