THINGS A MOM DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR

~ I swallowed a goldfish.

~ Your lipstick works better than crayons.

~ Does grape juice leave a stain?

~ Look, I painted the front door!

~ The principal called…

~ But DAD says that word all the time.

~ What’s it cost to fix a window?

~ The dog doesn’t like dressing up in your clothes.

~ Has anyone seen my pet snake???

~ I’m going to run away!!  (Well, maybe SOME day…)

One Liner
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.

Thought for the day
“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12 NIV

Notice that time management must be taught. Most of us are not naturally good at it. We naturally waste time. We naturally fritter it away on things that don’t matter.  We must learn how to use our time wisely.

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

One Liner
The first person to make a mountain out of a molehill was probably a real estate agent.

Thought for the day
“We can choose the sounds we want to listen to; we can choose the taste we want in food, and we should choose to follow what is right. But first of all we must define among ourselves what is good” Job 34:3-4 TLB

It’s amazing to me that most people have never done this. They go through their entire lives having never taken the time to define what matters most to them—to literally sit down and write out their values. They’ve never said, “This is what is good, and this is what is bad. This is what I want out of life, and this is what I don’t want.”  Why write it down?

13-year-old Dewey spent a beautiful Saturday and Sunday indoors playing video games.

His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”

His reply: “I can only dream.”

One Liner
Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get

Thought for the day
“According to your faith let it be done to you”  Matthew 9:29 NIV

Faith is a factor in how you manage your time. Even setting goals is a matter of faith. You have to believe that God will help you.

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.

“Aw, Dad, it’s probably okay,” the son said.  “The police car right behind us just did the same thing.”

One Liner
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Thought for the day
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13 ESV

You’re either going to be mastered by the clock, or you’re going to master it. And the only way you can truly master it is with the help of Christ, who gives you strength

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said “Good Morning” to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, “Ah, you’re Freshmen.”

Then he explained:

“When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they’re Freshmen.

“When they put their smart phones down and open their books, they’re Sophomores.

“When they look up so they can see the who’s talking from their smart phones, they’re juniors.

“When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they’re seniors.

“And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they’re graduate students.”

One Liner
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Thought for the day
“We are each responsible for our own conduct” Galatians 6:5 NLT

Your choices are far more powerful than your circumstances. You may not like how complicated your life has become. But with few exceptions, no one is forcing you to keep your life complicated.

You have the power to simplify your life. In fact, God expects us to assume responsibility for our lives and to carefully choose how we spend our time.

ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS

1.  If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

2.  Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

3.  For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.

4.  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

5.  For guests that say “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.

6.  Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

7.  If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

8.  For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.

10. Get enough sleep during the day.

One Liner
Teach your kids about taxes.  Eat 30% of their ice cream

Thought for the day
“You shall not covet . . . anything that belongs to your neighbor” Exodus 20:17 NIV

Coveting means the uncontrolled desire to acquire. It’s such an important sin to avoid that it’s included in the Ten Commandments. The word “covet” in Greek means “to grab or to grasp so tightly that your hands are tight; you can’t even let it go.” If God ever gives you something and he tells you to give it away and you can’t, you don’t own it — it owns you.

THOTS ABOUT CATS

~ Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.”

~ In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

~ As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

~ There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

~ Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

~ Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

~ There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

~ The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

One Liner
Sign on a door: Push.  If that doesn’t work. Pull.  If that doesn’t work, we’re closed.

Thought for the day
“It is better to be satisfied with what you have than to be always wanting something else” Ecclesiastes 6:9 GNT

The first step in becoming a contented person is to stop comparing yourself to others. The problem is that comparing is America’s favorite indoor sport! We naturally do it all the time.

You also must learn to admire without having to acquire. You need to learn to rejoice in other people’s prosperity without getting jealous and envious and feeling like you have to have it, too.