A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you one thing…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

One Liner

Why do we have to wait until night to call it a day?

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights.”

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!”

“No,” the cook says. “Three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up.”

“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, “What are the beans for?”

The waitress replies, “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires and headlights, you might want to gas up.”

One Liner

Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist change places.

The Real Meaning of Hotel Descriptions 

Old world charm > No bath

No extra fees > No extras

Nominal fee > Outrageous charge

Standard > Sub-standard

Deluxe > Standard

Superior > One free shower cap

Cozy > Small

All the amenities > Two free shower caps

Plush > Top and bottom sheets

One Liner

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A pastor was doing his children’s sermon with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.

He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord out of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.” (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10)

When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked thoughtfully, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?”

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher!”

One Liner

WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin, and salt in a can. If you get this email, DO NOT open it. It is spam.

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter.

The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”

One Liner

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how. 

When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.

The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints — this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

One Liner

Cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner

At the end of the day, we are all human beans. We will rice. Lettuce pray.

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. 

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, “How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?”

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, “Once?”

One Liner

Save the chocolate moose!