All posts by mikeshumor

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About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Humor – June 13

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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: “Mick! I lost me finger!”

“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”

“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi…

Darn! There goes another one!”

One Liner
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.

Thought for the day
“Now that the worst is over, we’re pleased we can report that we’ve come out of this with conscience and faith intact, and can face the world — and even more importantly, face you with our heads held high. But it wasn’t by any fancy footwork on our part. It was God who kept us focused on him, uncompromised” 2 Corinthians 1:12

Your circumstances cannot change the character of God. God’s grace is still in full force. He is still for you, even when you don’t feel it.

 

Humor – June 12

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The Mayor’s Burden

One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law’s political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, “Hey, do you know who I am?”

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor’s office. “Tell the mayor,” he said to the secretary, “that his brother-in-law is down here and can’t remember his name.”

One Liner
“Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”

Thought for the day
“From such terrible dangers of death he saved us, and will save us; and we have placed our hope in him that he will save us again” 2 Corinthians 1:10

God is watching over you, so don’t listen to your fears. This is a choice: Trust God, and don’t give in to your fears

 

Humor – June 9

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HOME REMEDIES

~ If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

~ Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

~ High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

~ A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

~ If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

~ Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

One Liner
Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Thought for the day
“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” Proverbs 14:29

Instead of retaliating when someone pushes your buttons, trust that God will help you control your anger. He’s right there with you, helping you to let go of your anger.

 

Humor – June 8

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A bald, wizened little man was rocking in a chair on his porch, smiling happily. A passerby, charmed by his smile, came up to him and said, “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said with a toothless grin. “I drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fast food, and never exercise.”

“No way! How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

One Liner
Why is it called “after dark” when it’s really after light?

Thought for the day
 We must hold on to the progress we have already made. Philippians 3:16

Truth is not just an intellectual exercise. It’s something you do. You practice it. You apply it. You live it. You obey it. Before you start learning any other new truth, why don’t you start doing the ones you already know?

Humor – June 7

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You know you are a redneck when…

– You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
– Your property has been mistaken for a recycling centre.
– You burn your yard rather than mow it.
– You come back from the dump with more than you took.
– Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
– Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
– Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
– You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
– You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

One Liner
“Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.”

Thought for the day
“You must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News” Colossians 1:23

The Bible tells us to believe the truth and stand firmly in it.

Humor – June 6

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PROOF YOU’RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER

~ Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

~ Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?

~ Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

~ Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

~ Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

~ Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

~ Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

~ Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

One Liner
I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up, if I’d known that so much of adulthood is ad-libbed.

Thought for the day
“We love because he first loved us” 1 John 4:19

When you’re worn out, tired, and can’t imagine showing love to anyone else, remember that God loved you so much that he sent his Son to die for you.

Humor – June 5

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By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.

“Why are you so late?” his friend asked.

“I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game.”

“How long could that have taken you?”

“Well, I had to toss it 14 times.”

One Liner
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned – avoid fatigue.

Thought for the day
“For it is by God’s grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God’s gift, so that no one can boast about it” Ephesians 2:8-9

God saves you by grace, which means it’s his free gift to you.