Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but … will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

One Liner
If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

Thought for the day
“Honor God with your bodies” 1 Corinthians 6:20b

Our bodies were made for activity. In Bible times they didn’t have to exercise because they walked everywhere and did physical work. But today, you really only have two choices: fatigue or fitness. If you choose fitness, it has to involve regular exercise.

My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

One Liner
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
“You made my body, Lord; now give me sense to heed your laws” Psalm 119:73

We all need a balanced diet. Thus choosing fruits and vegetables over chips and cookies will give us more sustained energy. We know what to do. We just need to do it

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained, “I will tell you why – I’ve learned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”

One Liner
Do modern witches make use of all the newest spell checkers?

Thought for the day
“It is senseless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, fearing you will starve to death; for God wants his loved ones to get their proper rest” Psalm 127:2

Rest is so important that God put it in the Ten Commandments: Every seventh day, you are to rest. If you’re not taking a day off every week, you’re breaking one of his commandments.

I finally figured out why I am getting fat! I should have figured it out sooner.
 
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”
 
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap. On its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
 
Problem Solved!

One Liner
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.  — Billy Graham

Thought for the day
“I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble” Psalm 59:16

We need the emotional release and recharging that comes from singing. Put on some Christian music, and sing along. Then, watch how God restores your soul!

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals. Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”
    
If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.” That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

One Liner
“At my age, forget all the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get!”

Thought for the day
“Encourage one another daily” Hebrews 3:13a

Every believer needs to get together in a small group at least weekly where you can share needs and problems, pray for each other, and develop friendships.  Join a small group.

A friend of ours was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, “Beep.”

He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. “Hi,” it said. “I’m not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message.”

One Liner
Committee: The unwilling, recruited from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Thought for the day
“This is the reason why we never collapse. The outward man does indeed suffer wear and tear, but every day the inward man receives fresh strength” 2 Corinthians 4:16 Phillips

Outwardly our body suffers wear and tear, but inwardly we can be spiritually renewed every day by spending time alone with God. Establish a daily quiet time with God.

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska –a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

“If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?” he asked his wife.

She replied, “You.”

One Liner
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Thought for the day
1 John 5:3, “This is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome” (NIV).

If something God asks you to do feels like a burden, what’s wrong? May well be procrastination. When we don’t act right away, it becomes harder to do the longer we wait. But when we do what God says, the most refreshing freedom will come into our lives.