“The car won’t start,” said a wife to her husband. “I think there’s water in the carburetor.”

“How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. “You don’t even know what the carburetor is.”

“I’m telling you,” repeated the wife, “I’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”

“We’ll see,” mocked the husband. “Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”

“In the swimming pool.”

One Liner
Save money by using a facial tissue twice – first to clean your glasses and then to blow your nose. Be sure to remember which one to do first.

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will serve Christ effectively: “Make them ready for your service through your truth; your teaching is truth” (John 17:17 NCV).

Just Ask Me

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
 
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
 
Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.” 

One Liner
“Low carb diets really go against the grain.”

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will grow strong spiritually: “I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one” John 17:15 NLT

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”

One Liner
“Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.”

Thought for the day
Pray that your children will live for Christ joyfully: “I say these things while I’m still in the world so that they will have the same joy that I have” (John 17:13b GW).

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.”

“Well,” the doctor replied, “Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

One Liner
“Laughter is an instant vacation.”– Milton Berle

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Acts 16:31, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.”

Your assurance of salvation is not by your works, because you can’t earn your salvation. Your assurance of salvation is not by your feelings, because feelings come and go.

What is your assurance of salvation? The promise of God’s Word. If God says it, that settles it, because God cannot lie. You can trust the promise of God’s Word. You can rest in it.

A Prayer
Dear God,
 
So far today, I’ve done all right.
I haven’t gossiped.
I haven’t lost my temper.
I haven’t lied or cheated.
I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
 
I’m very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord,
I’m going to get out of bed;
and from then on,
I’m probably going to need a lot more help.
 
Amen.

One Liner
“Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.”
  — Arnold Glasow

Thought for the day
“Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom” Luke 23:42

The thief on the cross didn’t ask Jesus to stop his pain, although he would have been in excruciating pain on the cross. By that time, Jesus was famous for doing miracles, but the man didn’t ask Jesus to save him from death, either.

He said, “Jesus, remember me.” Why? Because he knew that his deepest need was salvation from sin — not just salvation to get into Heaven. He believed in Jesus.

Rose Bowl Football Game
 
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets and a flight to the Rose Bowl football game in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
 
“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”
 
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the first half.
 
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
 
“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

One Liner
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Thought for the day
“So we continue to preach Christ to each person, using all wisdom to warn and to teach everyone, in order to bring each one into God’s presence as a mature person in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28 NCV)

When you first become a Christian, you often do things simply because other Christians around you suggest them or model them. You may pray, read the Bible, and attend services because you see the examples of others. This is fine for a new Christian. Little children learn the same way. However, as you grow, you must eventually develop your own reasons for doing what you do. Those reasons become convictions. Biblical convictions are essential for spiritual growth and maturity.

A husband raced into the house and said to his wife, “I’ve found a great job. The salary is good. It offers free medical insurance and paid holidays.”

“That’s wonderful, dear,” his wife said.

“I thought you’d be pleased,” the husband said. “You start tomorrow.”

One Liner
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Thought for the day
John 8:31-32: “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (NLT).

God’s Word will unlock all you’ve been made to do and be. Through it, you’ll be able to do things you never thought possible.

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

One Liner
Of all the things that I’ve ever lost, I miss my mind the least.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine” (John 8:31b NASB). It’s the long-term commitment to learning from Jesus and his Word that makes us his disciples.