A golfer came home from a hard eighteen-hole golf match with some of his neighbors.

His wife greeted him and said, “Well, honey, did you win the game today?” 

“Well,” he said, “let’s put it this way. I got to hit the ball more times than anyone else.”

One Liner
“Vote for the man who promises the least. He will be the least disappointing.”
– Bernard Baruch

Thought for the day
“This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him” (Ephesians 4:13 CEV).

Becoming like Christ is a long, slow process of growth. Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life.

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$250 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”

One Liner
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong

Thought for the day
Psalm 46:10 says, “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (GW).

I don’t know what you’re going to face this week. You don’t, either. But I can already tell you what God wants you to do: Let go, and know. Let go of control, and know that God is in control. Let go, and know! This is the first step to serenity in your life.

A little boy said to his mother and father, “I want a little baby sister. All my friends have baby sisters.”

“Well, you pray for one, and if it’s God’s will, He will give you one.”
He prayed for months and finally forgot it.

Then one day they took him to grandmothers, and when he returned, his father took him to his mother’s bed.

His father pulled down the cover and said, “Look, son, a little baby sister.”
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
“Son,” he said, “Aren’t you glad you have three baby sisters? Aren’t you glad you prayed for a baby sister?”

“Yep,” the little boy replied, “but aren’t you glad I quit when I did?” 

One Liner
“I’m a light eater – as soon as it’s light, I start to eat.”
– Art Donovan

Thought for the day
“Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (Psalm 46:10 GW).

Every day, you have to decide who’s going to be in control of your life — you or God.

My sister has the courage–but not always the skills–to tackle any home-repair project. 

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
 
“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained when she saw us.
 
“Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?” Dianne suggested.

 One Liner
“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true – some smaller countries are neutral.”

Thought for the day
“You come to him as living stones, a spiritual house that is being built into a holy priesthood” 1 Peter 2:5a

God says you are a priest.  You now have direct access to God. You don’t have to pray through anybody else. You don’t have to confess through anybody else. You don’t have to fellowship with God through anybody else. You can read your Bible, talk with the Lord, and fellowship directly with him.

KID TALK

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night: “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

One Liner
I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it’s procrastination

Thought for today
“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception” Ephesians 4:22

There is no growth without change, there is no change without loss, and there is no loss without pain. If you are going to grow, you will have to change, and change means letting go of some old things in order to grab hold of some new things.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. 

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
 
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” she explained.
 
“It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

One Liner
Every time I hear that dirty word, “exercise,” I wash out my mouth with chocolate.

Thought for the day
“Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil” Ephesians 4:26b-27

Deal with negative emotions immediately … otherwise they will fester in your heart and give Satan the opportunity to establish a foothold in your life.

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.

One Liner
“Support the metric system every inch of the way!”

Thought for the day
Ephesians 4:22b-24 says, “Put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and … put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (NIV).

Notice that there’s a putting off and a putting on. Your health really comes down to stopping some stuff you need to stop doing and starting some stuff you need to start doing.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2017…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford; then I’ll move in with them.

Thought for the day
“Therefore, everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them will be like a sensible man who built his house on the rock.” Matthew 7:25

Make righteous choices today. Walk in obedience.