All posts by mikeshumor
Humor – January 27
Three kids are sitting around the lunch table at school.
One says, “My dad’s a lawyer. People pay him $200 for letter with his opinion on it.”
Another says, “My dad’s a doctor. He writes prescriptions on a little sheet of paper and people pay him $300 for it.”
The third says, “My dad’s a preacher. He writes a few notes a napkin, tells everyone and it takes 8 people to collect all the money.”
One Liner
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
Thought for the day
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22–23 (NIV)
Since God’s compassion starts new every morning, you will never reach a point where his supply of love is exhausted
Humor – January 26
“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
“Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room.”
One liner
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse every year.
Thought for the day
“Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22 (NIV)
Do you find that some days you’re staring at your circumstances and making faithless judgments about the things you see? I know I struggle with believing the biblical truth that God is present in all circumstances, particularly when it is a no-good-dirty-rotten day.
Jesus, on the other hand, was certain about the reality of God and certain about God’s presence in his life.
Think about this: Heading into a crisis that would cost him his life, Jesus was so certain of God’s presence that, during the Last Supper, not one of his disciples discerned the gravity of the circumstances! Jesus was confident that God was not only present, but also working through the circumstances.
Humor – January 25
SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER
~ You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).
~ You keep repeating yourself.
~ You discover bifocals are stylish.
~ When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and you can’t get it back around.
~ Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
~ You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
~ Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
~ People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
~ Your social security number only has three digits.
~ In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
~ Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
~ No one expects you to run into a burning building.
~ Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
~ People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
~ There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
~ Things you buy now won’t wear out.
~ You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
One Liner
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You are a chosen people” (NIV). That ought to raise your self-esteem! Christ has accepted you — not based on your performance, something that you earned, or something that you deserve. God simply says, “I chose you.”
Humor – January 24
During a little league baseball game, the coach asked one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”
Again, the boy nodded yes.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”
One Liner
If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.
Thought for the day
The Apostle Paul says, “Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him . . .” Ephesians 4:21. Jesus is the truth, he will always tell you the truth. His Word is the truth. The Bible is his Word, and that means the Bible is truth!!
Humor – January 23
If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,
doesn’t it follow that. . .
electricians could be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
and dry cleaners depressed?
Wouldn’t you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted?
Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked,
baseball players debased,
bulldozer operators degraded,
organ donors delivered,
software engineers detested, and
underwear manufacturers debriefed.
And won’t all composers one day decompose?
On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.
One Liner
Good teachers are those who can challenge young minds without losing their own.
Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” (Ephesians 4:23 NLT, second edition).
Let me sum it up this way: You are not what you think you are. Rather, what you think, you are.
Psalm 32:8
humor pic of the week
Humor – January 20
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”
The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving, he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
One Liner
Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Thought for the day
Psalm 46:10 says, “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (GW).
I don’t know what you’re going to face this week. You don’t, either. But I can already tell you what God wants you to do: Let go, and know! God is in control!!
Humor – January 19
A little boy said to his mother and father, “I want a little baby sister. All my friends have baby sisters.”
“Well, you pray for one, and if it’s God’s will, He will give you one.”
He prayed for months and finally forgot it.
Then one day they took him to grandmothers, and when he returned, his father took him to his mother’s bed.
His father pulled down the cover and said, “Look, son, a little baby sister.”
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
Then he pulled the cover down a little more, and another little sister.
“Son,” he said, “Aren’t you glad you have three baby sisters? Aren’t you glad you prayed for a baby sister?”
“Yep,” the little boy replied, “but aren’t you glad I quit when I did?”
One Liner
“I’m a light eater – as soon as it’s light, I start to eat.”
– Art Donovan
Thought for the day
Surrendering to Jesus means laying down every area of your life. Jesus said, “If you insist on saving your life, you will lose it. Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” Mark 8:35
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