An Auburn University football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

“Yale,” she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

One Liner
Actions speak louder than words, but not as often.

Thought for the day
The essence of Christianity is Matthew 22:37 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

Kindly adult: “How old are you, little man?”

Shy child: (silently holds up 4 fingers)

Kindly adult: “Four years old! And when will you be five?”

Shy child: “When I hold up the other finger.”

One Liner
He who can give thanks for little will always find he has enough.

Thought for the day
The non believer has a mind that opposes God …Romans 8:7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, “How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?”

One student said, “Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time.”

Sternly, the teacher said, “You didn’t read the assignment!”

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher’s desk and showed her where it read, “Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage.”

One Liner
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Deuteronomy 16, “Celebrate with your whole family.” Party down! Have a good time. If you wait until all your problems are gone to start enjoying life, you’ll never enjoy life.

The following sign hangs in a local auto-repair garage:

AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST:

Ping-Ping-Ping………$35.00
Plunk-Ping-Plunk……$50.00
Klunk-Ping-Klunk….$125.00
Thud-Klunk-Thud…..$200.00
Clang-Thud-Klank….$325.00

One Liner
My mind is like lightning. One bright flash and it’s gone.

Thought for the day
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1 NRSV)

Biblical convictions are essential for spiritual growth and maturity. What is ironic today is that people often have strong convictions about weak issues (football, fashions, etc.) while having weak convictions about major issues (what is right and what is wrong).

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

One Liner
The golden rule of Twitter is “Tweet others like you want to be tweeted.”

Thought for the day
People who excel sharpen their skills. They never stop developing, growing, learning, and improving: “If your ax is dull and you don’t sharpen it, you have to work harder to use it. It is smarter to plan ahead” (Ecclesiastes 10:10 TEV). It takes more than desire to excel; it takes skill! Remember: You’re never wasting time when you’re sharpening your “ax.”

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”

He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

One Liner
Remember that the right relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

Thought for the day
People who excel keep their word. They are reliable. They can be counted on to do what they say they’ll do. They excel because people of integrity are rare in our society: “Everyone talks about how loyal and faithful he is, but just try to find someone who really is!” (Proverbs 20:6 TEV)

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well – if something happens to me – your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

One Liner
Tried to play my shoehorn. Managed to make some footnotes.

Thought for the day
Regardless of whether the job is big or small, give it your best. Great performers give their best effort, no matter what the size of the audience: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as though you were working for the Lord and not for people” (Colossians 3:23 TEV).

On a Sunday morning a couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary. In the small church where they had worshiped for many years, the pastor called them forward to be recognized by the congregation and prayed a blessing over them.

Afterward the pastor asked them if there is anything they would like to say to one another in everyone’s presence.

The wife turned to her husband and with a rather weak voice said, “You are tried and true.”

Her husband replied, “HUH?”

“Ahem. You are tried and true.”

“OH YEAH?! WELL I’M TIRED OF YOU, TOO.”

One Liner
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the skunk it could be done.

Thought for the day
“Come to the Lord, the living Stone rejected by people as worthless” (1 Peter 2:4 GW). Jesus is the living stone. He was perfect, but some people still rejected him. Some of you may think, “If I could just be perfect, then I would be accepted.” No! Jesus was perfect, but even he wasn’t accepted by everyone. But, he was “chosen by God as valuable.”