All posts by mikeshumor
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Humor – December 18
Children’s Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You’ll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
One Liner
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Thought for the day
“Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6 NLT)
Truth is not a principle. Truth is a person: Jesus Christ.
Humor – December 17
CHURCH SIGN
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later… “Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide.”
One LINER
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
Thought for the day
“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)
What God tells Jehoshaphat in this passage, and what he would remind us today, is this: “The battle is not yours; it’s mine. You don’t have to fight in it.”
In other words, it’s God’s problem. Let him solve it.
Humor – December 16
TOP 5 THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM
5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?
3. Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?
2. Okay, who forgot to give their camel a bath before we left?
1. Whaddya mean we’ll be part of history? A year from now, nobody will have a clue why we did this.
One LINER
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet.
Thought for the day
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT)
God gives you what you need, not what you deserve. Grace is when God says, “I’m going to take your problem and make it my problem.” Grace is God’s Riches given to you At Christ’s Expense.
Humor -December 15
Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn’t Want For Christmas
10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic
Thought for the day
When the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, he told Joseph, “Do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 1:20 NIV). So that’s what Joseph did. “When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife” (Matthew 1:24 NIV). He didn’t hesitate, he just did it.
There is a refreshing immediacy to Joseph’s relationship with God. When God said it, Joseph did it.
Humor – December 14
A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies.
She decided to pray about it: “Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.”
And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!
One Liner
If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
Thought for the day
1 John 5:3 says, “This is love for God, to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome” (NIV). So if something God asks you to do feels like a burden, what’s wrong? Usually it’s procrastination. When we don’t act right away, it becomes harder to do the longer we wait. But when we do what God says, the most refreshing freedom will come into our lives.
Luke 2:11
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Humor -December 11
SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS
Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
A Christmas sign on a toy store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
One Liner
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV).
People, possessions, places, and positions are too flimsy to hold up the weight of our expectations and our desire to experience joy.
Only Jesus can meet those expectations.
mikeshumor 