WHY WOMEN WOULD LOVE BEING SANTA CLAUS

~ No early-morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

~ A gut the size of Fat Albert’s is a job requirement.

~ One big black belt – accessorized for life!

~ No reason to have your colors done.

~ Sensible footwear.

~ Your children would adore you (even teenagers!).

~ Age discrimination? Not an issue.

~ Your co-workers know they’d better not pout.

One Liner
Heck: The place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh.

Thought for the day
“Wise people live in wealth and luxury, but stupid people spend their money as fast as they get it” (Proverbs 21:20 GNT).

Wise people save for the future, but foolish people spend whatever they get.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t’was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, dads and moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy League buckle.

There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house…stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!”

One Liner
Humans: The only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Thought for the day
“You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. ‘For God loves a person who gives cheerful” (2 Corinthians 9:7 NLT).

How do you have the attitude God wants you to have when you give? It starts with your heart. God is a lot more interested in your willingness to give than your wealth, because he’s interested in what’s happening in your heart when you decide to give.

It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University’s intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.”

One Liner
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday.”

Thought for the day
Worry is playing God. It’s assuming responsibility for something that God has said he will take care of. Paul reminds us in Philippians 4:19, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus” (NLT).

Years ago when I was teaching, I had a class of second graders who were about evenly divided as to whether there was or was not a Santa Claus. The discussions – or more appropriately debates – in this pre-TV era were extremely serious every recess.

But it all came to an end one day after recess. Young Larry stood up, looked at me with a smile and said in a loud, convincing voice, “Miss Leuze, Santa Claus can’t be your Mom and Dad because they sure can’t go around the whole world in 1 night!”

And a whole class of believers got out their arithmetic books.

One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery.  He was picking his nose.

Thought for the day
“Truth, wisdom, learning, and good sense — these are worth paying for, but too valuable for you to sell” (Proverbs 23:23 GNT).

We like to spend money on comfort, but the Bible teaches that it is wiser to invest in character.

If the birth of Jesus was covered by today’s tabloids:

ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH –
BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON

BETHLEHEM — It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped for the use of a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

“There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,” commented local public health authorities. “We even found a donkey inside.”

“The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,” offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. “She claims to have been a virgin.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. “There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God,” explained Pilate, “and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future.”

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol carrying illegal contraband. “We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh,” explained an official with the Border Patrol. “And they didn’t have any papers.” The Kings were promptly arrested and deported.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. “This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to global warming,” the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency commented.

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
Philemon 1:6: “I pray you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ” (NIV).

In other words, don’t keep your faith in Jesus a secret. Tell other people about it. Invite them to church. Give them a Bible. Hand them a book or resource about what it means to follow Jesus.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN TEXAS

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A’dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?

When all of a sudden from out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.

The driver was whistling and shouting with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

“Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right”
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you-all tonight.

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson on the top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper “Are you really Santa Claus?”

“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl,
TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

One Liner
People go on vacation to forget things. Then they open their bags and find that they did.

Thought for the day
Thinkers love Bible study. Psalm 119:97 says, “How I love your law! I think about it all day long”

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage

9.  Any knick-knack

8.  Tickets to the ballet

7.  Another new tie

6.  A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5.  New teddy bear pajamas

4.  Vacuum cleaner

3.  A weekend seminar on “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings”

2.  Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

1.  A nose and ear hair trimmer

One Liner
I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!

Thought for the day
Thinkers also need to be careful to practice what they know. If you know it, then do it! James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says”

Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.

In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot,
No longer caring that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts they were muddy,
My eyes went a blur, I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.

When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
She wore a white toga, she started to bellow:

“What kind of student would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year’s exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!”

Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
Happy finals to all, and to all, a good test!”

One Liner
I absolutely refuse to be assertive!

Thought for the day
Proverbs 20:25 says, “It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows” (NIV). It is a trap to decide without deliberating, to make a promise without pondering, to make a commitment without first considering the cost.

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE DURING CHRISTMAS

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)

~ Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
“Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom” Proverbs 3:7a

Why? Because God is God, and you’re not.

Q:  What do we have in December that we don’t have in any other month?

A:  The letter “D”!

Q:  What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A:  Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

One Liner
We had cured ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

Thought for the day
 “Hard work is worthwhile, but empty talk will make you poor” Proverbs 14:23

God’s warning for talkers is this: You also have to act.