A American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec.

When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs – now in French – and said in a worried tone, “I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep.”

One Liner
I thank my lucky stars I’m not superstitious!

Thought for the day
“May God, the source of hope, fill you with joy and peace through your faith in him. Then you will overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13

God is the only source of hope that’ll never disappoint. When we place our faith in him, he provides joy, peace, and hope that overflows.

A father of five young children won a toy at Toys R Us.  Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison: “You, Daddy!”

One Liner
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?

Thought for the day
LORD, I remember your judgments from long ago and find comfort. Psalm 119:52

These things the psalmist called to remembrance, and revolved them in his mind, which gave him pleasure and comfort. Let us do the same!

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: “You know, I’ll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”

One Liner
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Thought for the day
With my whole heart I seek you.  Let me not wander from your commandments!  Psalm 119:10

We MUST SEEK the Lord and His Word … SEEK implies being intentional ……. being proactive!!
 

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.”
“This is the IRS calling. Can you help us?”
“I can.”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”

One Liner
What doesn’t kill you will still definitely bum you out.

Thought for the day
I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. Psalm 119:7
To LEARN God’s Word …….. is to KNOW it.  

A man was walking through a German forest when he saw this deep cave, so he decided to go exploring. He walked in a ways and saw a flickering light far ahead so he walked to it.

He was surprised to find an old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the notes off of the paper and laying the blank sheets aside.

The walker was astonished when he saw who he thought the man was. It seemed to be Mozart! He asked, “Are you Mozart?”

“Yes”, the old man replied.

“Would that be Wolfgang Mozart?”

Again the reply was “Yes.”

“Well, you’ve been dead for centuries. What are doing rubbing notes off of music?”

The old man looked up, “I’m decomposing!”

One Liner
Birds of a feather flock together – and aim for your car.

Thought for the day
“I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future” Jeremiah 29:11b

Your future is in God’s hands — and there’s no better place for it to be.

Alan asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”

Steve says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, “Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ………… just remember …………… I don’t mind going back to prison.”

One Liner
“Why are you driving me crazy when you know it’s within walking distance?”

Thought for the day
“The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread” Isaiah 8:13

Break the chains of fear and go after God’s vision for your life.

Get Out of The Car!
(purported to be a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

One Liner
If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren’t doing much at 20.

Thought for the day
“So I replied by sending this message to them: ‘I am doing a great work! I cannot stop to come and meet with you.’ Four times they sent the same message, and each time I gave the same reply” (Nehemiah 6:3-4 NLT).

We don’t need to fight with naysayers. It’s not worth it. Billy Graham once said, “you can wrestle with a pig, but only one of you is going to enjoy it”.

THINGS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT WHILE SINGING IN THE CHOIR

~ I wonder if anyone out there notices I forgot my lipstick this morning.

~ I wonder who in the congregation will fall asleep first today?

~ 90 minutes till kickoff.

~ How many more verses?

~ The pot roast.

~ Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

~ Wow, God loves me enough to let me sing in “His” choir.

One Liner
“Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation.”

Thought for the day 
Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults. 1 Corinthians 14:20 (NIV)

This is a difficult mental shift because we’re naturally self-absorbed; almost all advertising encourages us to think of ourselves. The only way we can make this mental switch is through a moment-by-moment dependence on God.

Things Kids Say ….

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

One Liner
To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.

Thought for the day
Take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4:22-24 (MSG)

God’s ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ. Becoming like Christ does not mean losing your personality or becoming a mindless clone