A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect!”

“Really?” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty…”

One Liner
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Thought for the day
So then, my friends, because of God’s great mercy to us I appeal to you: Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him. This is the true worship that you should offer. Romans 12:1-2

Offering yourself to God is what worship is all about. This act of personal surrender is called many things: consecration, making Jesus Lord, taking up your cross, dying to self, yielding to the Spirit.

What matters is that you do it, not what you call it. God wants your life. All of it — 95% is not enough.

Did You Ever Wonder?

– If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
– If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
– Why is the word abbreviation so long?
– If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– Is it possible to be totally partial?
– What’s another word for thesaurus?
– Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
– Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
– Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
– How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
– When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
– Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?
– What was the best thing before sliced bread?
– What do people in China call their good plates?

One liner
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Thought for the day
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” John 8:36

When you realize how much God loves you, you’ll begin to live in true freedom.

A little boy came home from Sunday School and went into his room to change clothes.

When he emerged, he asked his mother, “Is it true that we came from dust?”

His mother replied, “Yes, dear. God made us from dust.”

The kid ran back into his room and came out all excited: “Mom, I just looked under my bed, and there’s somebody either coming or going!”

One Liner
Do pie companies have a lot of turnovers?

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “The Lord … makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image” 2 Corinthians 3:18b

This process of changing us to be more like Jesus is called sanctification.

A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.
“I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven’t an enemy in the world,” said the aged one.

“That is a beautiful thought,” said the clergyman approvingly.
“Yes sir,” was the answer. “I’m thankful to say that I’ve outlived them all.”

One Liner
Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Thought for the day
“God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him” Philippians 2:13

It is the Holy Spirit’s job to produce Christlike character in you.

Gilbert, South Carolina is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, “We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who’s been caught at it.”

One Liner
“The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he or she fills out a job application form.”

Thought for the day
“Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” Ephesians 4:24

God uses his Word, people, and circumstances to mold us. All three are indispensable for character development.

A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message:

“Due to lack of activity,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account.”

One Liner
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Thought for the day
Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:2 (Msg)

Confession (saying the same thing God says) leads to repentance (thinking the way God thinks). Saying what God says enables you to think what God thinks. And when you learn to think differently, you begin to behave differently

An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the temple, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.

He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner.  The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.

As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in!  They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him.  Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat.

At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter.  He lifts the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig with a big apple in its mouth.

“This place is amazing!” cries the rabbi.  “You order a baked apple, and look what you get!”

One Liner
Into every life some rain must fall – usually when your car windows are down.

Thought for the day
“Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end.” Hebrews 12:2 (GNT)

You need to keep your eyes on your master or you’ll get distracted. Get your mind off your circumstances and your problems and focus on God’s goodness to you in your past, his closeness to you in your present and his power to help you in your future.  

Interviewer: “If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?”

Applicant: “The living one.”

One Liner
I know a guy who does the work of three men…Moe, Larry & Curly.

Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God.” (Romans 7:4 TEV)

How much of the time are you being useful in the service of God? In some churches in China, they welcome new believers by saying, “Jesus now has a new pair of eyes to see with, new ears to listen with, new hands to help with, and a new heart to love others with.”

A doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery:

“In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience.

One Liner
“What’s the use of having ignorance if you can’t show it?” – Lou Costello

Thought for the day
“[A]nd let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1c (NLT)

You are supposed to run the race God has set for you. Not the race you set for yourself, not the race other people set for you, and not the race culture sets for you. You only run the race God has set for you. If you try to run any other course, you are going to fail and get discouraged.