A bald, wizened little man was rocking in a chair on his porch, smiling happily. A passerby, charmed by his smile, came up to him and said, “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said with a toothless grin. “I drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fast food, and never exercise.”

“No way! How old are you?”

“Twenty-six.”

One Liner
Why is it called “after dark” when it’s really after light?

Thought for the day
We must hold on to the progress we have already made. Philippians 3:16

Truth is not just an intellectual exercise. It’s something you do. You practice it. You apply it. You live it. You obey it. Before you start learning any other new truth, why don’t you start doing the ones you already know?

You know you are a redneck when…

– You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
– Your property has been mistaken for a recycling centre.
– You burn your yard rather than mow it.
– You come back from the dump with more than you took.
– Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
– Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
– Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
– You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
– You missed your 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

One Liner
“Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.”

Thought for the day
“You must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News” Colossians 1:23

The Bible tells us to believe the truth and stand firmly in it.

PROOF YOU’RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER

~ Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

~ Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?

~ Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

~ Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

~ Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

~ Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

~ Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

~ Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

One Liner
I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up, if I’d known that so much of adulthood is ad-libbed.

Thought for the day
“We love because he first loved us” 1 John 4:19

When you’re worn out, tired, and can’t imagine showing love to anyone else, remember that God loved you so much that he sent his Son to die for you.

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.

“Why are you so late?” his friend asked.

“I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game.”

“How long could that have taken you?”

“Well, I had to toss it 14 times.”

One Liner
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned – avoid fatigue.

Thought for the day
“For it is by God’s grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God’s gift, so that no one can boast about it” Ephesians 2:8-9

God saves you by grace, which means it’s his free gift to you.

Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:

Him: “Never be selfish.  There is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.'”

Her: “Never correct your husband’s spelling.”

One Liner
If all else fails, stop using all else.

Thought for the day
“For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God” 1 Peter 3:18a

Why did Jesus have to die? Because he alone was able to pay for your sins. You deserved punishment, but Jesus paid the penalty for you.

WANT A DAY OFF WORK?

So you want a day off??? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and there’s NO way you’re going to take that day off!

One Liner
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 

Thought for the day
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” 1 Thessalonians 5:11a

Encouraging someone else doesn’t always mean giving a pep talk or words of wisdom. Sometimes the best kind of encouragement is just sitting in silence, waiting and weeping with a friend.

Several women in the church prayer group were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After awhile, they rose to leave and told her; “We’ll do what we can to help.  We promise to keep you in our prayers.”

“Just do something more useful like wash the dishes in the kitchen,” the ailing woman said, “I can do my own praying.”

One Liner
I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.

Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” Genesis 2:18

God hates loneliness, and community is God’s answer to loneliness. When we walk alongside other people, we find a community where we learn how to love.

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

Stunned, the young man says, “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her,” she says.

One Liner
The second mouse gets the cheese.

Thought for the day
“… two people are better than one, because they get more done by working together”  Ecclesiastes 4:9

When you work as a team, you get so much more done.

Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”

One Liner
Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Thought for the day
“An intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions” Proverbs 17:24

To achieve your dreams in life, you’ll need to decide what really matters and what will last in your life and focus on that.

A minister with a large family of seven children moved to a new city. He and his wife didn’t want to buy a home immediately.  They wanted to rent a townhouse until they could get a feel for the area and choose a home where their kids would be in good schools and they could be conveniently located.

They found plenty of rental townhouses that were large enough, but the landlords always objected to having  a family of nine occupy the place.

In frustration, one day the father asked the mother to take the four youngest children and go visit the local cemetery.  She was puzzled by his request, but went along.  He and the other three children headed off to investigate another townhouse they had found.

The place was perfect and the father told the landlord he would take it. Then came the usual question, “I see you have children. How many are there in the family?”

The minister gave out with a deep sigh, then said, “Seven … but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the townhouse.

One Liner
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Thought for the day
“No mercy will be shown to those who show no mercy to others” (James 2:13a GW).

We need God’s forgiveness, kindness, patience, and help every day of my life. God says you get what you give. Forgiveness and mercy are a two-way street.