Why It’s Great to be a Dog

1) No one expects you to take a bath every day.
2) If it itches, you can scratch it.
3) There’s no such thing as bad food.
4) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
5) If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
6) You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired.
7) You don’t get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap.
8) You’re always excited to see the same people.
9) Having big feet is considered an asset.
10) Puppy love can last.

One Liner
“The Golfer’s Diet: Live on greens as much as possible.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Some of these people have missed the most important thing in life — they don’t know God” (1 Timothy 6:21a TLB).

You might know string theory. You might know chaos theory. You might know quantum physics. But if you don’t know God, you’ve missed the purpose of your life.

The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending out church.  I wish I had twenty parishioners like you.”

“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, Pastor, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith.  “You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money.”

The pastor said, “I’d still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred.”

One Liner
He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “It was the first year of the reign of Darius the Mede, the son of Ahasuerus, who became king of the Babylonians. During the first year of his reign, I, Daniel, learned from reading the word of the Lord, as revealed to Jeremiah the prophet, that Jerusalem must lie desolate for seventy years” (Daniel 9:1-2 NLT).

You will never pray effectively until you study the Scriptures and listen to the Lord.

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer:  “Don’t attempt these task-organizing tips at home,” he said.

“Why not?” he was asked.

“Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast,” he replied, a little embarrassed. “I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, ‘Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'”

He paused.

“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked.

“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes.”

One Liner
Quit gripping about your church; if it was perfect you couldn’t belong!

Thought for the day 
Ephesians 5:8
You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.

Before and after ……. “I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see.” If we could only fully grasp what we so easily sing!!!

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question – worth 500 points!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. “Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

One LINER
There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.  ~W.J. Cameron

Thought for the day
Daniel 9:3a: “I turned my face to the Lord God, seeking him” (ESV).

This is basic relationship advice that works beyond your relationship with God. You’ll improve any relationship in your life if you physically turn yourself toward the other person and focus on them when they talk to you.

Johnny: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

Teacher: “Why, of course not.”

Johnny: “Good, ’cause I didn’t do my homework.”

One Liner
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

Thought for the day
“Never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord . . . With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the sake of the Good News” (2 Timothy 1:8 NLT).

Standing up for God when you’re afraid isn’t just the right thing to do.

It also builds your faith and your character

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: “Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: “Give me one more cookie…”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says: “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

One Liner
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Thought for the day
Philippians 1:14: “Most of the brothers in the Lord have gained confidence from my imprisonment and dare even more to speak the message fearlessly” (HCSB).

Paul’s imprisonment for the Gospel led to others demonstrating more boldness.

God will use your courage, too, to help others respond with courage.

Signs You’re Getting Too Old To Drive…

– You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

– It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

– When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

– It scares you to drive the speed limit.

– The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

– You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

– You use cruise control at 25 mph.

– You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

– Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

– Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

One Liner
Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway.

Thought for the Day
“Reverence for God adds hours to each day” (Proverbs 10:27 LB).

Do you ever get to the end of your day and think, “Did I accomplish anything?”
Where does all the time go?
If you don’t master your schedule, it will master you!

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the skipping.”

One Liner
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Thought for the Day
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.  I Corinthians 10:13

Man Up!!
Paul offers up a series of concise commands here to the Corinthian church in closing the letter. They need vigilance, not apathy. Faithful resolve, not vacillation. Strength (no doubt God’s strength), not to rely on (human) weakness. Consistent love, not selfishness or hardened hearts.

RULES FOR FREQUENT FLIERS

1.  No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2.  If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3.  If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4.  Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5.  If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6.  If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7.  Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the bathroom.

8.  The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9.  The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

One Liner  
Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.

Thought for the day
Matthew 19:14
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Jesus’ love for children in an age when they weren’t those whom highly regarded is a powerful reminder of God’s love for the world often abuses or abandons. We are called to love the unloved, the forgotten, the abused and neglected.

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,” and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn’t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. “What did you say to him that kept him from moving?” they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman’s quoting scripture scare you so much?” they asked.

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

One Liner   
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Thought for the day 
Ephesians 2:4-5
Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.

I’m glad God is rich in mercy.  I know my failures, shortcomings, sins, and transgressions. Without his mercy to pardon, and without his grace I would be lost and without God.