“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.

“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner.”

One Liner
– A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once! 

Thought for the day
“Let heaven fill your thoughts; don’t spend your time worrying about things down here”  Colossians 3:2

Focus your energy on what will last.  Live a life of worship. Build relationships with God’s people. Invest your time in becoming more like Jesus through discipleship. Serve others with abandon. Tell people about Jesus. Those activities last forever.

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”
 
“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”
 
“Wow! Does that really work?”
 
“You bet it does.”
 
“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”
 
“Well, okay.”
 
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”
 
“You’re the sixth,” he said.

One Liner
“My wife took up gardening. All she grew was tired.”

Thought for the day
“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever” 2 Corinthians 4:18

Don’t be discouraged by trouble. When you live in light of eternity, trouble just doesn’t bother you as much anymore. You know troubles won’t last forever, so you simply don’t give up.

“Four Letter Surgery”

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

One Liner
If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn’t a coward take care of cows? 

Thought for the day
“Dear brothers, you are only visitors here. Since your real home is in heaven, I beg you to keep away from the evil pleasures of this world; they are not for you, for they fight against your very souls” 1 Peter 2:11

Don’t be distracted by temptation.  Stay focused on what’s of eternal significance. Delay gratification, even though everything in society tries to get you to do just the opposite. Stay focused on what’s ahead.

“Medical Bill Call”

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”

She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”

One Liner
“Once over the hill, you pick up speed.”

Thought for the day
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us”  2 Corinthians 1:4

Think of those times in your life when the Lord has comforted you. To whom can you pass on that blessing?

“Stolen Truck”

The young goober came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Jake, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Jake replied, “Did you see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

One Liner
I used to be indecisive … I think. 

Thought for the day
“Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law” Galatians 6:2

What is Christ’s law? Love God and love your neighbor.

Marriage Teachings
At the banquet of Tom and Susan’s 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

One Liner
“Through the years I’ve noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet.”

Thought for the day
“The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long suffering, and abounding in goodness and truth” Exodus 34:6

Mercy is the first characteristic God uses to define himself in the Bible. Thus, it must be the most important.  Webster’s Dictionary defines mercy two ways, as “refraining from harm or punishment” and as “unexpected kindness.” God wants us to do both.

“Mechanic Applicant”

A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.

The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?”

The mechanic nods, confused.

“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”

“Oh yes,” says the mechanic.

“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”

“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic.

“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing that already!” says the boss

One Liner
“Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?”

Thought for the day 
“Just as charcoal and wood keep a fire going, a quarrelsome person keeps an argument going” Proverbs 26:21

Many people find their meaning, their purpose, and their value by getting you upset. They enjoy keeping an argument going.  Don’t play their game. Don’t get drawn into it. They’re not looking for answers. They’re just looking for an argument.  

The Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll shoot you.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

The Ranger asked a local to translated his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger anxiously

The local answered, He say, “He no afraid to die!”

One Liner
They call it “golf” because all the other four-letter words were taken.  — Raymond Floyd

Thought for the day
“Be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace which God gives, for if he does there can very easily spring up in him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but can also poison the lives of many others”  Hebrews 12:15

Bitterness is contagious.  The only way to let go of your hurt is to get ahold of God’s grace. 

HOG HEAVEN

A man called the church office and said he would like talk to the “Hog Head” of the church.

The secretary responded, “If you mean the pastor, be respectful and call him Pastor, but he is not in right now. Can I help you?”

The man told her he was going to tell him he was about to give him a check for $10,000 for the building fund.

The secretary said immediately, “Wait a minute, Old Porkie just walked in.”

One Liner
A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

Thought for the
“Our love should not be just words and talk; it must be true love, which shows itself in action” 1 John 3:18

Mercy takes action where others take off. Mercy isn’t afraid to get its hands dirty. And Jesus calls every one of his followers to have the attitude of the Good Samaritan.

SAINTLY SON

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a saint.  He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself.  Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said.  “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied.  “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

One LINER
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after. 

Thought for the day 
“When a fool is annoyed, he quickly lets it be known. Smart people will ignore an insult” (Proverbs 12:16 GNT).

A wise person ignores an insult — Because they look behind the behavior to the pain. When you understand a person’s pain, it helps you respond with patience.